Things that have a similar effect to the typhoid vaccine:

-Being punched in the arm by Aidan Duggan in second year, when you told him to go fuck himself and his french homework.

-Falling asleep on the floor after a party, and waking up to realise you've spent the whole night asleep on an upturned plug.

-That one time in work when it was really quiet, and you were reading health websites and imagining you were having a heart attack. (although that wasn't real, more the effect of call centre coffee and hypochondria)

-Being punched in the arm by your friend Conor in 5th class when you said 'there's no such thing as a dead arm'

-An experimental phase in 6th class where you decided that you would no longer feel pain. And Conor decided to test that with punching. To your credit, you kept up the pretence until he got tired and admitted that no, you probably couldn't feel pain. you rule.

-That time you drunkenly said that Australian girl had a nice ass. Yeah, you paid for that one. And you were wrong, she didn't laugh, and find it ironic. Because although you meant it ironically...Yeah, you don't come off well out of this one, quit while you're ahead.

-Stabbing yourself surreptitiously in the arm with a biro in an effort to stay awake during a lecture entitled 'TV Drama & Social History; critiqueing Dallas and Dynasty from a Marxist perspective'.

I am an idiot.

Through prior entries, you may have detected a certain amount of self-deprecating humour. This morning, I hope to buck that routine, and strip away any layers of doubt.

I am an idiot, and here is why:

I decided to get in shape for going away, by jogging. Now, exercise and I have only a passing aquaintance.We stop on the street, say hello, ask how each other is doing, before becoming incredibly awkward, mumbling something about a meeting,and being on our way. What I'm trying to say is:I had no runners, or in fact any sort of sportswear.

But, I wanted to give this jogging thing a go. I knew it'd be tough, and I knew I'd be pushing myself, but I was ready. (I spent days watching nothing but war films, doing blow and punching walls to psych myself up) Now, I couldn't run in my shoes. However, my brother has a nice light pair of hiking boots. Let me explain to you how my logic with this works.

Who runs?
Athletes, Footballers, Soldiers

And do any of them wear boots?
Funny you should mention it, yes! they do! Soldiers wear boots!

Even when running?
Oh yeah, for sure! Yeah, remember stripes? With Bill Murray, I'm pretty sure he wore boots. Oh, and Delta Force, with Chuck Norris? Boots there too.

This sounds like a pretty awful idea...you're not a soldier, you're just some guy who spends his day in front of a computer. I mean, soldiers are tough.
GET SOME!!! COME ON MARINE!!! SEMPER FI!!! RUN IN BOOTS!!!
*Headbutts wall*


Now, 3 weeks later, my knee is sore.
(and I've bought runners)

Guidelines for travel vaccinations

1)On entering clinic waiting room, you will notice a small playhouse. It is normal to experience urges to get into the house and make faces out the window.
IMPORTANT: IF THERE ARE OTHER PATIENTS IN THE WAITING ROOM DO NOT ATTEMPT TO ENTER PLAYHOUSE, RATHER BRIBE, BET, OR OTHERWISE COERCE YOUR FELLOW TRAVELLERS INTO GETTING IN.

2)The doctor will explain to you everything you need to know about the vaccines you are to be injected wtih. It is perfectly normal that you tune these out and daydream about being a marine engineer.

3)A nurse will administer the injections. IMPORTANT: Nurse will again explain the injections, Ensure that during this time you are pre-occupied with appearing macho.

4)Part way through the actual injections, remember you are having fatal diseases injected into your bloodstream, and have daydreamed your way through any and all safety precautions, guidelines and notes.

AT THIS POINT, IF YOU EXPERIENCE FEELINGS OF MILD TERROR, INCREASE FREQUENCY OF JOKES & LAME ATTEMPTS TO IMPRESS NURSE. THIS WILL FAIL. SHE HAS HEARD ALL THE INJECTION JOKES.

5) You will recieve a small yellow book. This is very important. Lose this as soon as possible.

6) You may take it as read that over the next 48 hours, any odd aches and pains, itches, pins & needles, yawns or tiredness are the first signifiers of the onset of Hepatitis, Yellow Fever, Typhoid and Rabies.

SIDE EFFECTS

1) Weight loss in the wallet area.
2) The feeling of being hit with a spade
3) Listlessness, boredom, and disinterest in completion of masters thesis due in 2 weeks.

"I'm just stepping out for a packet of cigarettes"

One of the unusual things facing us at the moment is the notion that we're all going to up sticks for a year, and leave everything & everyone we know.

Now, this would cause us to be a little sad and wistful, but being the 'look on the bright side' types that we are, we've been looking at this in a rather different way. We would be more of the opinion that our imminent departure affords us a unique opportunity to cause mayhem, before escaping on a year long exile.

So far, I've committed to writing a one man show, entitled 'the penis dialogues' for a theatre festival that will take place here when we are somewhere around Irktusk, safely drinking vodka, chowing down on blinis (a dumpling, I believe), and about as far from independent theatre (and the shrill folk involved) as is possible without a space shuttle.

Other things I'm hoping to develop between now and D-Day:

A horribly co-dependent relationship.
Ideally, this will come to the point where the question 'but why do you love me' is asked. I'll nip out for a cigarette...

A senior administrative position.
"I'm going to need the petersen report, otherwise the merger's going down the toilet!" "Hang, on, I just left it out in the car"

Gambling Debts
This one's pretty obvious. Although I'm really going to have to step up my gambling if my debts are going to be worth running away around the world for...

Any other situations anyone can think of?