Mayhem!

Two posts in a row by the technophobe....what's the world coming to?

I have a proposal for a new mayhem plan.

If you have read our previous posts you'll remember something, titled "I'm just popping out to get some cigarettes" or similar, about our plan for mayhem before we go. Basically the plan was this: because we get to leave everything behind for a year, we reckoned it might be fun to use this to create consequences we can escape from.

We were hopeless at carrying out this plan.

Examples of what we could have done:

find a great job with lots of responsibility, then pop out of the office at the most inopportune of moments....to go around the world

run up huge gambling debts, then leave

form a serious relationship, then just pop out to go to the toilet on the morning of departure...and not come back

Instead what we did was:

keep the jobs we have and are very loyal to (and who have known about the round the world plan since its inception) / not get a job at all

not run up huge gambling debts (though I suppose there's still time)

not form a serious relationship (who were we kidding here - most of us are emotionally retarded anyway) / begin to casually "see" people (hate that phrase but you know what I mean) but still not have the heart to even think about being that horrible to them

But, in a flash of inspiration today I have come up with a new plan...mayhem around the world.

Because, after all, if we pursued mayhem before we go we would still have to face consequences, albeit a year later.

This way, everyone at home will still love us and we get to leave the mayhem behind as we travel.

Ingenius, don't you think?

I'm still here

Hi everyone,

I just thought I'd sign in & reassure everyone that I haven't disappeared. I sit in front of a computer all day every day but still haven't managed to post anything in months.

In my defence I'm a technophobe & have been spending my time figuring out other things like how to hook my digital camera up to my computer (it took longer than you'd think), what I'm going to pack to bring around the world, whether or not I can get an external battery pack for my Creative mp3 player (I can't), and the merits of buying an enamel mug.

I've sorted out most of the above. I am now the proud owner of a micro fleece & agree with everything Andy says about them. Of course mine is more stylish and feminine than his.

I also have an enamel mug, and a groovy knife/fork/spoon set.

I still haven't gotten round to making the necessary adjustments to the back of my rucksack, or starting to pack away all the stuff that I'm going to have to send home before I leave.

You'd wonder how I ever got the motivation to decide to go around the world in the first place...

Direct quotes from The Russia Experience Info-Pack, answering our questions on travelling across Russia.

'We've complained, of course, but no-one listens'

'Russian porn is porn with a soul'

'After an hour at such temperatures, your fingers and ears can snap off accidentally if hit, even lightly'

'Never roll up your sleeves in front of someone - it signals the intention to have a fist-fight'

'If you are missing McEating, then miss no more!'

'Russians succeed in being very normal and just like you or me - they have families, they have pets, they get sick, they like sticky cakes, they have arms and legs.'

'This is what gives them an advantage over westerners who are widely known to have no soul at all!'

'Redneck crap doesn't come finer than this'

'The worst thing that can happen is a clash of claques, which can add 15-20 minutes to a performance'

'Such pain is vital for the Russian soul'

'If you like Thurbron's 'Englishman Abroad' style, you may enjoy this. We personally don't'

'No connection with Russia, we just wanted to introduce our favourite wise crackin', crime-solvin', C&W singin' Texan sleuth.'

Tiny tainted guitar

I bought a tiny guitar today. It doesn't look like a guitar. It sounds like one though. In my head, I'm playing the blues on a beach at sunset to a crowd of smiling brazilian girls. One of them passes me a cigarette. The waves lap in. There was a barbecue earlier, and we had freshly caught fish. I've a cold bottle of beer beside me, the moisture on the side slowly dripping down onto the sand.

My brother, however took a different view of it. See, the guitar isn't guitar shaped. It's more...

He started leaping around the kitchen playing greensleeves and looking for directions to the renaissance fayre.

Totally tainted forever. Now in my brazilian beach daydream, I have a jester suit on.