Living in upside down land #3

ok, just to give you a bit of background, I'm sitting in an internet cafe, it's saturday, around six o'clock, I've a large Starbucks Coffee on the desk. Oh, and the man beside me has a parrot on his shoulder. A parrot. a F*cking PARROT! On his shoulder. and he's not even a pirate! (unless he's downloading illegal mp3s.)

#1 St. Patrick's night, & myself and Cian are sitting up late playing guitar. A Giant New Zealand Trucker comes to listen to us play, & gives us the following words of wisdom.
'yeah, if you're buying a gun, don't buy one with the serial numbers filed off. I bought a Glock, with the numbers filed off, found out it was used before, so I threw it out in the desert. Man, fuck, when I think what would have happened if I'd been caught with that thing....only cost me sixty-eight bucks, though.'

#1bis Two days later, I wander down, ready to go to work & bump into my friend, the Kiwi Trucker. 'Hey, Andy! I did it! I killed the possum last night! It took me three tries, but i got it, and i hit it with that stick and then it was crippled, and then, you know when it starts bleeding from the mouth that the brain is destroyed.'

#2 My boss & his wife were kicked out of the kitchen this week. I knew before they did that they were going to be given the axe. Happily enough, the new chef took me on. I went down to say goodbye to the old German boss as he was cleaning up.
-uh, hey.
-Don't worry Andy, you will be paid.
-um..no, I just wanted to thank you for taking me on.
-Well,I'm sure we can find something else for you.
-Thanks very much, but the new guy wants me to stay. Don't worry, I'll be just as clumsy for him as I was for you.
-...Andrew...no one ever said you were clumsy...

#3 So, Yeah, I have a new boss, and it's great, we get on well, he's a lot easier to get on with than old boss, the food is nicer & I'm learning a lot. But he also does a very funny thing. He vanishes for days on end. So I run the kitchen.
I'm not a chef, I'm just some guy. Some guy with an unnerring natural tendency for physical comedy. See me burn dockets accidentally in the gas ring, watch in amazement as I spill the unspillable, boil the unboilable, skate on previously spilt substance, precariously protecting valuable ingredients, only to add them to completely inappropriate dishes. Now, introduce Knives & Fire to the mix. Marvel at feats of unparallelled lunacy!

I am getting better at it all though.

#4 Monday, as we were changing over the kitchen, New Boss decided to run a barbecue on the front veranda of the hotel, just as a gimmick. (we're doing it tomorrow as well) Anyway, around three, a well dressed pretty woman in her thirties (think an older Tara Reid) comes in. She sits down, with a glass of wine, loudly arranges to meet someone on the phone & settles in with her magazine. Over the next 45 minutes, she dramatically breaks down, beginning with some slight tears, but moving on to full on sobbing & borderline hysterics. I get one of the girls I live with to go see if she's ok (i don't want to be mr. sleazy,just want to find out if there's anything i can do) , and apparently she's just having a really bad day. My boss mentions to me that she works in the brothel across the road.

The lady continues her breakdown for another hour or so, just me and her on the verandah, and to be honest, it's getting a little awkward. She's getting more dramatic, taking out her phone, and crumbling into a sobbing mess. She comes up to me to borrow some napkins.
-Hi, can I borrow some napkins, please darling?
-uh, of course...um, listen, are you ok, can I get anything for you, or call anyone?
Her demeanour instantly changes, she flutters her eyes.
-you could buy me a drink...

you can't win.
(just so as you know, i said i was working, and that i'd love to maybe another time, but that i hope it all works out for her)