Bumbling around the world

We've bumbled full circle

2006-09-22T10:52:00.000Z

We're all back again. We've caught up with most people we haven't seen for almost a year by now and are at the stage of trying to find a job & a place to live.

It all feels so normal but at the same time is weird.

I think I'm bumbling more now than I was when I was going around the world.

DCNY

2006-07-23T11:13:00.000Z

All right, so Washington and new york. (this is written through a haze of jetlag, so god only knows how it's going to turn out)

So it was hot in washington, and I went to museums, and hung out with a guy from Indiana and a girl from Switzerland. (the guy has since emailed me saying wouldn't it be cool if we all got matching t-shirts to remind us of our cool time in DC...wouldn't it be cool though?) Also, the guy who owned the hostel was a fire engine enthusiast. he kept one out the back. Odd.

Anyway, we saw museums, and Arlington Cememtery, and various large marble buildings of political import.

Then flew on to New York. Fun fact about America - they think i am a terrorist. Seriously, honest to god a terrorist. Every time I flew, i got the SSSS rating. which means 'Seriously Suspicious So and So'. I think. Anyway, The result was that each time i went near an airport i had people shouting orders at me, swabbing my extremities for explosives and mostly just getting more and more worked up at my inability to follow their orders. (as I've mentioned, I'm kinda...well...disorganised sometimes)

So, eventually touched down in New York. It's like walking into a film, looking at all the places I've seen on television. It was odd.( Although I didn't get to go on a date with any of the women from Sex in the City - thought that was something that just happened as soon as you get onto manhattan island, live and learn, i s'pose) I did, however see the sights, and walk around like ahomeless person. (spent the last few weeks growing a big nasty travelling beard)

Following new york, I did get on the plane at JFK, spent an hour taxiing around, and 6 hours later, touched down in Dublin, bringing the trip to an end.

probably some editorialising tomorrow. And that'll be it.

i'm a bit sad though.

Last stop...

2006-07-18T15:01:00.000Z

New York City.
It's hot.
I'm home on Saturday.

I'll put up a proper post before then.

LA.

2006-07-14T03:49:00.000Z

(I had a whole post devoted to steak, and argentina, but i'll put that up later)

So, I stayed in a hostel on Hollywood Boulevard. With 2 roomates. one's a dwarf who does impressions of Chucky (from Childsplay) for money outside Mann's Chinese Theatre, The other was - let me get this right - a poet, who was also a knight Templar. Who was trying to revive the tradition of knight poets. He was in LA to try and get a job with a breakfast radio show writing limericks. Or as a Male model.

These were only two of the people i lived with. Others included:
-The jingle writer, who sang about everything, all the time. 'maa-kin' a sandwiiiich...gonna put some peanut buttter iiiiin....'
-The would be soap star. Who lectured me on the importance of coke as part of a hollywood career. And on the danger of kissing girls who turn out to be guys.
-The guy who goes around pointing out celebrity resemblences. (i look like no-one, sorry dude)

So i went for a walk on hollywood Boulevard, saw all the adult shops, exotic shoe shops, exotic adult shops, tattoo shops, exotic tattoo shops, shoe tattoo shops, and any combination of the above.

And I decided, since I was there, I might as well have a bit of a wander out to see other parts of LA. So i did.

Long Beach - Gone in 60 seconds was filmed here.
Universal City - i couldn't afford the theme park, but i wandered along the shopping streets
Reseda - 'It's a long way, living in reseda...'
and
of course,
because I am the wisest man ever to have walked the face of the earth...

i went for a stroll in compton. (as in 'the hood' from 'boys in the hood' and 'compton' from 'Straight outta Compton' and...well, you get the idea, it's the hood)
(where stroll = getting off the train, wandering across teh road, saying wow, this place is kinda crap, and getting back on the next train)

Anyway, at the moment I'm in D.C. It's hot, but i don't care, i saw the capitol building over the top of some trees and thought I was in the west wing for a bit. awesome.

Travelling, all glamour, all the time

2006-07-05T01:56:00.000Z

All right. I'm a terrible traveller. You probably know this. I enjoy it, having a blast, but seriously, i'm very disorganised, prone to worry and have a short fuse when i'm really tired.
Some examples:
I had a complete meltdown in a chinese bank. (where complete meltdown includes, but is not limited to: incoherent swearing, clown like gesticulating, arguments that rely on the 'Just...Fucking...Because!' principle, and confusing of foreigners with half remembered junior cert language classes. -today i went around going 'i eat the bank?')
And a Danish train station.
And Hong Kong Airport
And Santiago Airport (Twice)
Various small ports in south east asia
Overnight buses make me suicidal (or homocidal, depending on whether or not you're all up in my face trying to get me to stay in your guesthouse)

So, this last few days, i've had a particularly complex bit of travelling to do. On my own. Rio- Santiago- Buenos Aires. With no Spanish or portuguese, a shortage of local currency (guaranteed to make me kick inanimate objects) 3 hours sleep a night, and lots of complicated and hitherto unknown (due to my aversion to guidebooks) airport taxes. Also, the fact that i've just apparently smuggled a mobile phone into Argentina. Anyway, I'm dead proud of myself. I didn't break down, didn't freak out (even when it looked like we were going to land in the middle of the Andes again)

I even managed to include an interlude of drinking whiskey with Chilean political activists, very inflamed about nationalisation. I think. They were speaking spanish. They may not have been activists, may in fact have been Zookeepers. My knowledge of spanish isn't great.

Anyway, I'm in Buenos Aires, alive and well.

Also, remember back in last August, I wrote this:
In my head, I'm playing the blues on a beach at sunset to a crowd of smiling brazilian girls. The waves lap in. There was a barbecue earlier, and we had freshly caught fish. I've a cold bottle of beer beside me, the moisture on the side slowly dripping down onto the sand.

That Happened! Not at the beach, but close enough!

Thursday night in Rio

2006-06-30T03:07:00.001Z

It's about half ten, we've spent the day wandering around Ipanema, came home, watched some tv, read for a while, had some dinner, drank a glass of wine with a nice English couple. He works in advertising, she had a dream she was going out with Michelle McManus.

Laura and Sinead wanted to go to a Samba nightclub, so around half an hour ago, they had their showers, got changed, got a group of backpackers together and headed off. I decided to get an early night and give my wallet a rest.
But i still fancied a walk, it was a nice evening, so i walked the two blocks to the garage to get some chewing gum. And maybe a can of Coke.
Between the hostel and the garage, there's a roadblock. Police cars block the road, and plainclothes officers dressed in jeans and t-shirts stand around, M-16s cradled in their hands.

I move along past them, on the path. They nod at me, I'm a tourist, one of them smiles. I get to the garage, buy the chewing gum, decide against the Coke, it's late, I could probably do without the caffeine and the sugar.

On the way out, a Taxi passes me. You have to understand just how crazy fast the taxi drivers go here. They run red lights, regularly hit 140kph. This guy's not going especially fast.

I stroll up to the roadblock unwrapping my gum. There's shouting, the Taxi has tried to run the roadblock. The policemen are pointing their guns in the driver's window, screaming in Portugese, the blue lights flashing off their guns. I don't know whether to walk on through the roadblock, or stay where i am.

They open the door, the driver gets out, his hands up. Two machine guns aimed at his chest. The guy who smiled at me now screaming orders at him. One of the policemen reaches in and pops open the boot. I follow the small crowd and walk on, unsure of gawker etiquette here. As I reach the corner, i look back. The driver is on the ground, one of the cops is emptying the boot, the other has his rifle trained on whatever might be in there.

I get home, rabbitting about what I've just seen.

'Oh, that's normal around here'

Palmy & Chile in Chilly. Also, Rio!

2006-06-22T04:03:00.000Z

Anyway, we spent the last week in sunny -read rainy- Palmerston North, with Kev & Eimear. Great time, great to meet up with them, see how they're, between them running the town. So in between hanging out in Palmy, we took a trip around the North island of New Zealand. Saw lake Taupo, a giant boiling lake at Rotorua (seriously, thermally heated boiling lake in the middle of the forest. it was like something out of Jurassic park)

And - i got the flu. There is nothing more miserable than being sick when you're travelling. Well - maybe not nothing, in fact i'd say there's quite a few things. Genocide comes to mind. fine, i'll rephrase that. The absolute worst time to get the flu is when you're travelling. Y'know when you're antisocial, and all you want is telly and food and sleep and warmth? Yeah...Anyway, thanks again to kev and Eimear for putting up with me in my wojus state. I owe you both more pints than any two people should ever drink.

So, post new zealand, we rolled on into Chile. Where it was...Chilly! (i rule, honestly - good Jokes? come to Andy) Santiago, to be precise, where we suffered from jetlag, spending whole days in bed, and whole nights wondering why we couldn't sleep. Fun times. However, despite all the films - well, one - about jetlag, i still haven't had an odd non-relationship with Scarlett Johannsen. I'm holding out hope for when i hit LA.

Santiago's quite nice in an odd, nondescript way. full of shops...and underground trains...and...uh...y'know...city-like stuff.

3 days of odd Chilean food, drinks with an incontinent politics professor and his wife and a scary night out that ended in a dodgy back alley odd smelling reggae club in Santiago (at which point i called chicken and went home) And we hopped a flight to Rio.

The Most Turbulent Flight Ever. The woman next to me grabbed my arm so hard there's still little white half-moons where her nails dug into me. I was all excited because it hought we were over the Amazon, and we could crash, and have strange adventures in the jungle, where no-one's sure what's real and what's not, and it all could be part of some fat guy's mental illness, or possibly some sort of purgatory, and then Kate and i would have a stormy relationship...ok, sue me, i watch too much lost. Anyway, looked at a map today, we were nowhere near the Amazon so scratch that. But we did fly over the Andes. During which time, i sized up my flying companions and tried to work out who'd be the tastiest. (watch Alive)

Point is, arrived safely in Rio, home to the Copacabana, Ipanema beach and more song puns than any one city should have. Also, apparently, more gun-crime. In fact, it's a wonder i'm still alive, the amount of gun-crime they talk about. GUNCRIME!
you get the point. (also, heard gunshots earlier on tonight) (Mam, don't read that last sentence)

as I write, Laura, sinead and Sam are knocking around the hostel, we're talking about going out to a samba show later, and earlier today we went up to visit that big scary jesus on the rock that overlooks the city.

More soon with less delay.

Christchurch 2. The Christchurchening.

2006-06-06T23:03:00.000Z

So, ok,I'd spent about 15 minutes in the spooky Japanese Hostel, Sinead got in touch with me, and I hit the road out to riccarton.

(conversation with bus driver:
-I'm looking to get off at riccarton high school
-is that before or after the church?
-i don't know.
-is it near the shopping centre?
-i'm from the other side of the world.
-do you think it'd be near the garage there?
I burst into cold, cold tears.

Anyway, it's still cold here, but i am getting more and more used to it. What did take a little more adjustment, however, was getting used to living in a civilised house rather than...well, the Broadway. For instance, some of the f*cking language that is par for the f*cking course in brisbane might not be appropriate for the dinner table here. F*cking oath.

Either way, thanks very much, Brendan and Trisha, for putting us up. Thanks also, for the go on your playstation. (Awesome!)

This afternoon, it's off to Palmerston North, to hook up with Kev & Eimear (also, Claire -from brisbane, well Cork, but via Brisbane)

Bye Bye Brisbane & Broadway

2006-06-04T04:15:00.000Z

So I left Brisbane this morning, hopped a plane to Christchurch. Where i am now, with the cold, and the rain.

Anyway, Here's the thing. I've left the place i've lived in and the people i've lived with for the last five months, stuffed all my crap back in my rucksack & hit the road. And I'm a little unhappy about that. So to all of you Broadway folks, hi.

But anyway, we must always look forward. In this case to Christchurch, home to Sinead. It's lovely. But extremely cold and wet. I've checked into the cheapest hostel i can find, the lovely 'kiwi backpackers' only to find that, like the 2nd hand camera i got in tokyo, it's all in Japanese.

Just as the Broadway (i'm not fixating) was mostly irish, (actually, barring 3 welsh guys, entirely irish) and every so often we'd get one poor lonely japanese guy wandering about, wondering why it was necessaly to have a righter for cigalettes to use the cook-ah, This place is Japanese, and there's one bald irishman in a fleece wandering around wondering why there's so many signs in foreign, and what they all say.

(HAIR MUST BE WORN ON SECOND FLOOR!)
(NO HUMMING ON TOILET!)
(FREE COFFEE FOR TIRED IRISHMEN!)
(JAPANESE GIRLS LOVE GUYS WHO PLAY GUITAR! FOR FURTHER INFORMATION ASK AT RECEPTION!)
(WARNING, SECRET TRAPDOOR! YES! RIGHT THERE! WHERE YOU'RE STANDING! HAHAH!)

ok, so i've been knocking around christchurch, waiting to get in touch with sinead, everything's closed, I'm looking to buy some lunch (tea by this stage) and making up signs is just funny to me. what do you want?

Fun conversation at customs:
-Welcome to New Zealand. Do you have any knives or guns?
-yes. I'm a cook, I have a kitchen knife with me.
-that's ok. So how long are you here?
-about ten days. then on to south america.
-gap year?
-yeah, I just finished a masters degree.
-i thought you were a cook
-i am, i mean i was, i mean...AHHH!(runs out into airport concourse, chased by siffer dogs, before being strip searched by giant Samoan)

Thoughts at 10:03 am on a Saturday morning, Broadway hotel

2006-05-27T05:47:00.000Z

Hm...i'm awake. And not dying. That's a positive. After last night. Big party. Must've played guitar for four hours straight. and i drank a whole bottle of wine. I must have odd looking lips. Actually, i'm ok. In fact, I feel great. Excellent. what's that noise? uh. Anyway, work in 57 minutes. ok. Shower, pants, shirt, apron, coffee, work.

What the hell are they doing over that side of the room?

Ok, Work. Stuff 30 chickens, That's mostly what i'll have to start with. Actually, no, Breakfast, that's what i'll start with. Steak and eggs. That's a good plan. Breakfast of Champions. Wasn't that a book?

Are they doing coke? They are. They're doing coke. 7 foot from where I'm contemplating breakfast, people are taking cocaine. That's messed up. Also, why is that guy twitching? he's not taking coke. ok, wait...no, he's on ecstacy. riiight. I have to not live here.

ok, so while i thought i had a heavy night. (I drank a whole bottle of wine!) I obviously didn't. That girl fell asleep on the bathroom floor in her underwear. This guy drank a litre of vodka, then started taking pills. Is this real? Are people really doing this? like, for real? Am I stuck in some Channel 4 documentary?

ok, I'm going to go to work. and I'm going to make a cuppa. Anyone want a cuppa? No? You've already got beer? ok, that's cool.

Right, breakfast of champions.

great title for a book.

Living in upside-down land #4

2006-05-22T05:03:00.000Z

1) 'So yeah, we were deployed to the gulf, and anyways, we're rolling out across the desert, and we see this truck, dropping off men. So we pulls up, and call in an airstrike. Hold tight for twenty minutes, and the A-10s, we call them vultures, blow the fuck out of it. We roll up to investigate and the sargent goes 'alright lads, photo op! because you see, the driver, he'd lost all his arms and legs, but he still had this massive erection. It was hilarious'

Conclusion - war veterans are scary. Then they show you the photographs on their mobile phone. That's even scarier. Especially when they just seem to be mild mannered nice guys.

2) 'i love coke, no really, i love it. Do you know where i can get any?'

-the new chef, demonstrating...uh...something.

3) 'Hey andy, these are some new guys living in our room'
'Any of yous snore? no? good. keep it that way'

-me, suffering from meeting too many new people, and just being rude

4) 'do you sell dinner?'
me: 'no, this is a post office, we only sell stamps'

-me, turning into Bernard Black

the conclusion this week is that i think it's time to move on. I love brisbane, and the folks i've met here. Unfortunately, most of them have moved on to pastures new, and I'm here for another ten days. Ten days of pure misanthropy. hooray.

Chowdaaah

2006-05-14T05:02:00.000Z

So, we live in the sort of hotel that has a 'Social Club' made up of locals. They gather of a friday evening for their weekly 'meat raffle'*. Anyway, this week, Phillipa from Sandyford won a massive tray of seafood. Enough to feed an army. (or defeat an army, if they were big, like in that film Galaxy Troopers, but they weren't massive.)

Anyway, last night, we got it together, and decided to make some seafood chowder. All the pieces came into play: recipe, ingredients, kitchen (kinda let ourselves into the restaurant kitchen) beer, camera. Anyway, between one thing and another, we started having a puppet show with the crabs, which (because we're normal) eventually turned romantic between them. Which, of course was the moment that Leigh (manager of the hotel) decided to walk in to the kitchen.

While myself and phillipa are forcing dead crustaceans to perform unnatural acts on each other, complete with giggles and sound effects.

I'm so proud.

(*ok, see the way i put that in inverted commas? Yeah...it's just a raffle where they give away meat. In fact, I should go back and take out those commas. y'know, because it makes me look like i'm looking down my nose at both the meat raffle and the social club. Just because it makes people happy to get prizes of 8 pounds of steak on a friday evening. Who the hell do i think i am, really?)

Career choices

2006-05-01T05:20:00.000Z

#1
Me at home: Yeah, I...uh, digital media? it's like the internet and that. Right now, I'm working on this...uh...I don't know how to explain it, but it's meant to be funny.

Me here: I cook. Dinners.

#2
Me at home: So...i need to redesign some of the front end of this, I need the colours to reflect more of the actual content rather than the percieved content.

Me here: So...i need to add salt.

#3
Me at home: Wow, look at that, I've got the exact shade of blue i wanted. And i only had to spend 20 minutes at that colour chart to do it...coffee?

Me here: Three meals on the go, flames everywhere, pans dancing on the hob, I'm listening to classic rock at full volume, and I still have time to wink at the girl ordering food.

#4
Girls at home: The inter...computers...media...wow...how, uh...interesting...for you.

Girls here: Oh my god, you cook?! I love that! Can I see the kitchen? Will you cook something for me sometime?

#5
Boss at home: Andrew, going forwards, can you please ensure that Sunday's shift reports are clearly labelled, as mislabelling can cause confusion within the weekly overview table.

Boss here: Yo! Andy man...i'm too...that's awesome...i can't move...uh...last night...oh man.

People, or doing myself no favours with St Peter.

2006-04-11T04:07:00.000Z

One of the interesting aspects of this job is that you meet a lot of other backpackers. And, unfortunately, don't get to make fun of them much. So here is a small rant about a few things i keep seeing in the backpackers.

1) Tattoos.
I recently met a man who had the tattoo 'Jim Morrison 1943 - 1971'. Fair enough, you like Jim Morrison, and want to have the dates of his birth & death available at all times. (handy for table quizzes, I'd imagine) But he had it written in Thai. Which he couldn't read, rendering it useless for all but the most multicultural table quizzes.

Anyway, my point here is: Why do people get tattoos in languages they can't speak? Is your 'Harmony' tattoo more harmonic because it's in chinese? And are you deeper or shallower because your sanscrit tattoo suggests inner peace. (by the way, you're off your nut on drugs, desperately trying to sleep with anyone you can find in a hotel across the world from home, I think you may have left the inner peace somewhere along the way.)

ahem.

2) Bondi

There's a suburb of Sydney called Bondi. (there's also a nightclub in Dublin called 'Bondi Beach') Apparently it's very nice. How do i know this? There's a breed of irish backpacker who at some early point in every conversation, will scream something along the lines of:
'Oh Bondi's brilliant, lad! It's only amazing! I'm earning forty-seven grand a day as a labourer, and drinking it all away at night! Fooking irish everyhwere, all standing on tables singing! best year of your life lad! Going mental! I'm trying to get sponsored, want to live in Bondi! I Fooking love it!'

That's great. I haven't been there. I can't wait.

3) Thailand

I think i missed out. We spent the guts of six weeks there. I think we did a lot, really tried to experience it to the fullest, but I can't help come away from most thailand conversations with two thoughts. The first is 'Wow, you found so much there, really had a deeply spiritual experience' The second is 'Spa'.

Seriously, shut up about thailand. It's a holiday destination, It's full of people with bad tattoos and worse opinions, and no grasp whatsoever on irony. (maybe that's it, i'm using irony as an excuse, being afraid to open myself up to new spiritual experiences...yeah. that's the one.) oh thailand, i must return to your cd salesmen, buckets of vodka and full moon parties and have the 'kicking time, but still, like, all spiritual and stuff' experience I missed out on.)

The burst of misanthropy in this post was brought to you by the recent arrival of 12 new backpackers into our previously nearly deserted hotel, and the subsequent loss of any sort of quiet we once had.

Living in upside down land #3

2006-03-25T07:21:00.000Z

ok, just to give you a bit of background, I'm sitting in an internet cafe, it's saturday, around six o'clock, I've a large Starbucks Coffee on the desk. Oh, and the man beside me has a parrot on his shoulder. A parrot. a F*cking PARROT! On his shoulder. and he's not even a pirate! (unless he's downloading illegal mp3s.)

#1 St. Patrick's night, & myself and Cian are sitting up late playing guitar. A Giant New Zealand Trucker comes to listen to us play, & gives us the following words of wisdom.
'yeah, if you're buying a gun, don't buy one with the serial numbers filed off. I bought a Glock, with the numbers filed off, found out it was used before, so I threw it out in the desert. Man, fuck, when I think what would have happened if I'd been caught with that thing....only cost me sixty-eight bucks, though.'

#1bis Two days later, I wander down, ready to go to work & bump into my friend, the Kiwi Trucker. 'Hey, Andy! I did it! I killed the possum last night! It took me three tries, but i got it, and i hit it with that stick and then it was crippled, and then, you know when it starts bleeding from the mouth that the brain is destroyed.'

#2 My boss & his wife were kicked out of the kitchen this week. I knew before they did that they were going to be given the axe. Happily enough, the new chef took me on. I went down to say goodbye to the old German boss as he was cleaning up.
-uh, hey.
-Don't worry Andy, you will be paid.
-um..no, I just wanted to thank you for taking me on.
-Well,I'm sure we can find something else for you.
-Thanks very much, but the new guy wants me to stay. Don't worry, I'll be just as clumsy for him as I was for you.
-...Andrew...no one ever said you were clumsy...

#3 So, Yeah, I have a new boss, and it's great, we get on well, he's a lot easier to get on with than old boss, the food is nicer & I'm learning a lot. But he also does a very funny thing. He vanishes for days on end. So I run the kitchen.
I'm not a chef, I'm just some guy. Some guy with an unnerring natural tendency for physical comedy. See me burn dockets accidentally in the gas ring, watch in amazement as I spill the unspillable, boil the unboilable, skate on previously spilt substance, precariously protecting valuable ingredients, only to add them to completely inappropriate dishes. Now, introduce Knives & Fire to the mix. Marvel at feats of unparallelled lunacy!

I am getting better at it all though.

#4 Monday, as we were changing over the kitchen, New Boss decided to run a barbecue on the front veranda of the hotel, just as a gimmick. (we're doing it tomorrow as well) Anyway, around three, a well dressed pretty woman in her thirties (think an older Tara Reid) comes in. She sits down, with a glass of wine, loudly arranges to meet someone on the phone & settles in with her magazine. Over the next 45 minutes, she dramatically breaks down, beginning with some slight tears, but moving on to full on sobbing & borderline hysterics. I get one of the girls I live with to go see if she's ok (i don't want to be mr. sleazy,just want to find out if there's anything i can do) , and apparently she's just having a really bad day. My boss mentions to me that she works in the brothel across the road.

The lady continues her breakdown for another hour or so, just me and her on the verandah, and to be honest, it's getting a little awkward. She's getting more dramatic, taking out her phone, and crumbling into a sobbing mess. She comes up to me to borrow some napkins.
-Hi, can I borrow some napkins, please darling?
-uh, of course...um, listen, are you ok, can I get anything for you, or call anyone?
Her demeanour instantly changes, she flutters her eyes.
-you could buy me a drink...

you can't win.
(just so as you know, i said i was working, and that i'd love to maybe another time, but that i hope it all works out for her)

Oldies but goldies...

2006-03-16T05:46:00.000Z

ok, so since most of what we're (well, me) are up to here in Oz-terr-alia revolves around working, getting ready for work, watching television, having a few beers after television, rinsing, repeating, I'll try and spice up the old blog with a few of the odder antics we got up to pre-australia, which, due to (and isn't this a long sentence!) one reason or another weren't covered here before.

#1 - we get tricked into teaching primary school english...

So you know when you wake up? and you're in a tiny Thai town, the name of which completely eludes you, but you can see the bridge over the river kwai from the window of your floating bungalow/shack? And you've spent the night before on a mad dash around the town with a canadian lesbian looking for bad live music? Yeah?

Well then you'll know that at 8 in the morning you're due to head off on a bike ride with a local guide. Anyway, what you mightn't know is that this guide will unexpectedly lead you into a school, get you to park your bikes & introduce you to a class of 7-9 year olds, and get you to teach them english.

You won't have a clue what to do, and will end up sitting on the floor, surrounded by hysterical thai children who can only say 'I am seven (or nine) years old!' They'll say this over and over again, increasing in pitch and volume, until you will not know just what the hell is going on. This will not help the pain in your head. You decide it will be fun to do animal noises (hey, it seems to make them laugh), and rather than teach them english, you will teach them what donkeys, lions and crows say. They'll do this. lots.

You're welcome, teacher who has to take that class back afterwards!

More Later...

Living in upside-down land #2

2006-03-11T04:56:00.000Z

#1

My boss' wife:
'Andy, this is a silent kitchen. Do you know what that means? No singing, no humming, no music.'

'No, I know we haven't paid you for three weeks, but that's really your problem, you know when I sign off on your pay in here I'm not really paying attention'

'When was the last time you called your mother?'

#2

The man in front of me on the bus drops something out of his bag. I reach down to pick it up, in doing so, I realise it is a pair of tights.

-'uh, you dropped your..um...stuff'
-'oh, yes, my tights...do you like them? they're great to bite through'
(the man mimes biting through tights)
-'yeah...i guess so'
-'Would you like to bite through my tights?...I'd like you to bite through them.'
-'um...thanks, but...ah, no'

I always knew I had a cult gay following.

#3

My break falls around the time Moonlighting is rerun on Channel 7. I've become evangelical about the programme, forcing everyone in the living room between 3 & 4 everyday to watch.

ok, so maybe this phase of the trip is less action-packed.

#4

Observation. The employees of the establishment over the road all have great names. 'Miss Honey', Tikki, Nikki, Jem, Jazz. I wonder why they never pick names like Eleanor, or Sarah-Jane.

Working Life

2006-03-05T10:02:00.000Z

So I'm staying in Sydney for a while to make some cash.

Straight off, thanks to my market research experience (thanks MORI!), I got a job at Woolcott Research. This turned out to be almost identical to my job at MORI except that my office is located just across the road from Sydney Harbour Bridge here, and the MORI office is located just across the road from some kind of warehouse (that's not even a little bit famous).

But, money hungry thing that I am, I have decided that I need more work, more hours, more money.

Now I could have put an effort into finding an office job, but I have heard from some people that there is money to be made in traffic controlling...

I had to do two courses to get the relevant certificates to apply for traffic controlling jobs. I did these last Thursday and Friday in a little shed/classroom in Lidcombe, a suburb of Sydney. The first day was taken up with getting my "green" card - a health and safety card all construction workers must have. All guys bar this little bunch of Irish girls, who have obviously also heard about the money to be made! That day we learned all about health and safety on work sites, and at the end of the day I completed a test by pretending I was tiling a roof, stating the hazards and saying how I would make sure everything went ok.

The next day it got funnier. We were back in the shed/classroom learning the specifics this time of traffic controlling. The day was kind of structured by a training video.....with its star, a young Russell Crowe! I thought that was going to be the highlight, but no, there was more to come.

The end of the day arrived, and with it our test. Picture us, decked our in hi-vis jackets holding up a baton with Stop written on one side and Slow on another. Naturally we needed some traffic to practice on. So our instructor spent about an hour going up and down the sideroad on a red scooter, while we practised our procedures!

So now I just have to find the work. However, apparently there isn't much of it around now because it's been raining lately (construction workers knock off as soon as it starts to rain here!) If I do get the gig, I get to buy steel-capped boots, wear the full regalia (neon trousers and jacket....and hard hat!) and do an impression of being a council worker!

But I reckon it'll be a better memory than an office job.....

Living in upside-down land.

2006-02-26T06:11:00.000Z

#1

I nearly burn my hand on a pan in the kitchen. My giant German former-bodybuilder boss bawls at me from across the kitchen. (for full effect, imagine in Arnold Schwarznegger's accent.)

"WHY DO YOU FEEL PAIN! YOU MUST TRAIN YOUR MIND NOT TO FEEL PAIN! THE ONLY TIME YOU SHOULD EVER FEEL PAIN IS WHEN YOU ARE SURPRISED!"

#2

I'm doing a delivery across the road (see the next post down). It's late & my mind is on autopilot. I have the following conversation with Miss Honey (I don't think it's her real name, but it's the name she uses to order pasta)

-Here's your dinner. That'll be ten bucks fifty.
-Thanks, darlin. So you busy over there tonight?
-Quiet enough, thank god. yourselves?
-Yeah, quiet enough at the moment, but gonna get really busy later.
-um...yeah

And then we had a good long conversation about the evils of working a late shift on a friday night. Albeit in quite different jobs neither of us quite made reference to.

#3

"So you're a dancer? From Las Vegas? And you don't smoke, drink, touch caffeine or eat meat? Well it's nice to meet you. And neither do I, by the way. Yeah, hate caffeine. Can't touch the stuff. And as for meat? pff. oh this? This is a non-alcoholic beer...in a normal bottle."

...

"oh, no. it's a normal word. It means it can...uh...work on it's own. Yeah...No, I don't think 'autonomous' is just an Irish word. Yeah, you could be right, maybe they don't use it much in Nevada."

...

"No, I didn't actually say that this is how your dad dances, just...uh, the implication was that I dance like someone's dad. I don't know how your dad dances, he could be a fantastic dancer....i'm not"

"Oh, implication just means...uh...that that was what I was getting at"

#4

My boss' wife corners me in the walk-in fridge. (literally, she corners me)
-What are your ten year goals?!
-eh?
-Your ten year goals. What do you want in ten years?
-em...I...uh...I'd like to manage a radio station.
-Your own radio station?
-um...I don't know...I...
-Because there's no point working your butt off for other people if you're not getting the profit.
-um...I guess that's...
-So why don't you get a loan and buy a radio station?
-what?...I don't think you can do that....
-Get an investor. get off your ass. you want to acheive your goal, don't you!
-I'm not even sure...uh...(changing tack) Also, I want to produce for a bit before that.
-Do that when you own the station!

#5

After a long day at work, I'm sitting in my manky work whites watching late night Australian TV, drinking a beer & eating a pie. A blonde german girl I've never laid eyes on in my life plomps down beside me, bursts into tears, mumbles something about an ex-boyfriend and tells me I'm so nice.

I thoughtfully munch on my pie, swig my beer and agree with her. I am quite nice.

#6

My boss's wife, direct quote.
"Ok, Andy. I've just had mouth surgery this morning, so I can't smile. But when I want to smile, I'll stick my tongue out. like this."

An aspect of my job that only became apparent after I started, and other reasons I love brisbane.

2006-02-20T04:54:00.000Z

So I'm a cook, in a hotel. However, the kitchen is owned & run by a catering company (which, in fairness, seems to be entirely comprised of a bickering married couple and me.) It emerges that we don't just cook for the hotel, we cook for two other establishments, namely, two of brisbane's largest brothels. (they serve food there, it's all very considerate) One of my new key responsibilities is to ferry the food over to the...um...establishments. Hilariously awkward hi-jinks are sure to follow!

Other than that, not much news. Laura rolled through for a weekend, on her way south with Aoife & Annette (hey guys!), and barring that, i've just been living here in the Broadway, cooking and hanging out at night. I'll do a proper post on the broadway & the cast of characters that inhabit as soon as I get a decent break from my immoral, yet tasty, job.

Also, I had this conversation with the cute waitress in starbucks yesterday:

-Hi, um, can I get a large black coffee?
-With that accent, you can get anything...

I do like living here.

Accidental employment

2006-02-07T02:01:00.000Z

So I went downstairs to buy some dinner, and got a job. I think the conversation went like this:

-Hey, can I get...em...some fish?
-Yes. Hey, how did the jobhunt go?
-Oh, not great.
-Where have you worked before?
-Oh, call centres, kitchens, college
-What did you do in the kitchen?
-oh, not much mostly prep stuff

And BAM, I'min the middle of a job interview!

I start monday.
No one ever leaves the broadway

Oops, I didged it again!

2006-01-31T01:45:00.000Z

I'm meant to be trying to save money & look for jobs so I can possibly even make money.

Instead I bought a didgeridoo!

They say the neon lights shine bright (or the Broadway Hotel)

2006-01-30T06:11:00.000Z

So I'm in Brisbane at the moment. I flew in 9 days ago, and so far, I could live here. I'm staying in a dilapidated, underpopulated hotel in the middle of an industrial estate, and opposite Brisbane's most famous brothel, eighty eight.

It's a fantastic (and enormously cheap) place to live, mostly populated (there's only 10 of us in the whole hotel) by Irish people. For the first time since we left, I'm finding myself getting back into a routine.

There's a real, almost tangible, sense of community about the hotel, yesterday we all pitched in and cooked a massive Sunday roast, then had a pool tournament, followed by thousands of cups of tea & Far and away on the telly. I can already tell I'm really going to miss this place when I move on. Brisbane itself is great too - they have cheap good food, a nice town centre, and even an enormous secondhand bookshop.

in fact, barring the cashier at the local convenience store, life is peachy. See, this guy is...well, he talks too much.

-Hi, can i get this milk, please, and...um..oh, i'll take these mints too.
He takes my groceries, and my money & holds everything hostage over his side of the desk.
-No problem.
I stand quietly, while he rings everything up. He pauses & looks up at me...
-So how was your day?
-um...grand...you know...
-no?
-Oh, it was...y'know...i had a good day.
-and what made it good?
-um...I guess i drank a lot of tea...
-oh yeah? you like tea?
(every fibre of my being wants to run at this point)
-yeah. So how was your day?
-Oh, good, i guess. I reorganised that shelf down there...see it?
I look at his shelf.
-um...that's lovely...yeah.
My groceries lie forgotten behind the register as he begins explaining the reorganisation.
-So you think i should do this side too?
-um...whatever you think best, I suppose.
-WEll, I'll try it and show you.
-great!

This isn't just a one off. Everytime i go into the shop, there's this really strange ten mintue conversation. Stupid friendly people!

For Sure!

2006-01-25T00:41:00.000Z

The phrase "for sure" seems to have crept into my vocab recently, and I'm trying to figure out if it's an Aussie phrase.
Anyone know?

Darwin Sucks!

2006-01-25T00:34:00.000Z

It's now Wednesday. I arrived in Darwin on Monday afternoon. By teatime on Monday I had seen all of Darwin "city" - it's probably not even as big as Longford and boasts such tourist attractions as oil storage tanks left over from World War 2 and fish that come in to shore to feed...
Yesterday I got a bike and cycled all day (why haven't saddles been redesigned yet??). I saw East Point Reserve - a nice spit of land to the north west of the city. I also saw another kangaroo (that makes one dead one and two live ones so far). My hostel is nice, but too quiet for me right now.
Today I'm full of plans to go to a crocodile park.
I hold my hands up - I'm probably a wee bit biased because I had a great time in Perth and am not really giving Darwin a real chance. However, it's not on my list of must-come-back-to places for sure.

Andy's next step, or Nothing of any great note.

2006-01-18T04:56:00.000Z

I have to say, Laura, in answer to your post, I haven't really been up to much. I certainly haven't shared a dorm with a traumatisingly amorous german couple. Nor, indeed, has anything else happened.

at all.

no further questions.

Thank you.

On beautiful magnetic island at the moment. It's lovely, but the place we...uh, I'm staying in is pretty ropey & charges for pillows. But it is a fantastic place, lovely pool, nice people, great music (Springsteen at the moment). Been spending a lot of time hanging out on the balcony, playing guitar & having the craic. good times.

Flying out to Brisbane on saturday, from the tiny airport in Townsville. Apparently, Brisbane is the Digital Media Capital (tm) of Australia, so who knows, maybe I'll land a job doing all that stuff I spent ages learning to do. (of course much more likely, I'll roll on to sydney & lift boxes there)

Cooking Club

2006-01-18T04:54:00.000Z

I've kind of hooked up with a group of newly-made friends in Perth. (I've been here so long I had to make some friends!)

Anyway, the group started out with Tom (Canadian), Bailey (Kiwi) and me. Bailey was the Mammy of the group, and ended up feeding Tom & I for a few evenings. Then Tom blew us all away with his cooking last week (I actually missed it & only tasted the cold leftovers - sorry Tom!), so it was obviously my turn next.

I haven't cooked since I left home. That's four months ago. Sam stirred the whole thing up by spreading rumours about me, saying I was a terrible cook. So the pressure built up big time!

On Monday however, I cooked. Everyone seemed to like it and no-one has died as a result of it, so I call it a success!

Now our group has grown to include eight people, and it looks like I won't have to cook again before I leave for Darwin! It's been great though - keep up the good work Tom, Bailey, Maris, Valerie, Robin, Brendan & Ceri!

Go on Andy...

2006-01-18T04:52:00.000Z

...let the people at home know how you've been bumbling!

Otherwise I'll publish the mails you sent me about it!

What Laura did next..

2006-01-18T04:43:00.000Z

Feck all!

I've been in Perth since December 29th and I'm turning into a bum!

I LOVE Australia, or Perth at least. The life is just familiar enough to feel at home, but different enough to be exciting. I feel like my home address is now Billabong Resort, Beaufort St., Perth, WA. I'm almost a citizen - I have the bank account and Aussie mobile number to prove it!

I've seen a good bit of Perth city centre, a little north of the city and a little south of the city. I'm here until next Monday (Jan. 23rd) and I'm not sure how I'm going to cope with new surroundings!

Perth is nice, small, friendly (though I haven't met many genuine Aussies...need to find out where they hang out). The slang is gas. I mean, who got "arvo" to catch on? Also, Sam & I were going over to visit a Perth person (what would you call them - a Perthonion, a Perthian??) we met earlier in our travels and when he asked me on the phone whether we "had our bathers" I nearly cracked up!

I've done the wine tour, been to barbies, seen a roo, got hooked on port.....it's all good.

Next is Darwin. Rain and serious humidity. I'll let ye know how it goes.

I come from a land down under...

2006-01-15T04:07:00.000Z

etc. (song's been going through my head since we got here)

Ok, so since, as i mentioned, we're temporarily chasing our own visions of Australia, the blog's going to be slightly disjointed for a while. As things stand, Sammy and Laura are livin' it up in Perth, Sinead's raced on to Sydney, Melbourne & her loving family in New Zealand and I'm kicking it here in Cairns before rolling down the east coast to Brisbane & Sydney - where there will be work. (sigh)

So why not fill ye all in on what's gone on since Thailand?

So we finally left Koh Phangan, headed for Singapore'Death to Smugglers'Airport. We stayed the night in the departure lounge (it did, after all, win the coveted Golden Pillow Award on sleepinginairports.com) before catching the early flight to Perth & linking back up with Sam for a few days.

Laura & Sam took off up north for new years road trip. Alas, since Sinead and i had flights to catch, we couldn't go, but rang in the new years in style, swigging from a bottle of wine on a motorway overlooking fireworks over the Perth skyline.

Then myself and Sinead rolled on to Darwin. Where we had a great time, despite an incident involving a bike. (I rented one, went back to where i'd locked it - IT WAS GONE! I reported it to the police, the council & the hostel who rented it to me...before remembering i'd locked it in another part of town...)

We burned on to Alice Springs, hot as a hairdryer (read the post below, written in the depth of the oven-like heat.) Where we spent a pleasant day drinking cold beer, lounging in a pool, watching the sunset & not doing much else. (we had to prepare for the next day!!!)(and the tourist stuff in Alice Springs consists mainly of the flying doctors visitor centre, and that's about it)

A ONE DAY TRIP TO ULURU!!! (ayers rock!)
Five hours drive out of Alice springs, and five hours back, with some walking & looking at the rock, and a barbecue in between. Exellent day.

Then, a flight on to Cairns, home to the famous Cairns Historical Walk. (45 minutes of pure joy. 'This building was the first to use concrete in Cairns, and used to house a plumbing equipment shop. It was built in 1963') We had a few nice bottles of wine, swam in lagoons, ate free dinners and SNORKELLED THE GREAT BARRIER REEF! which was awesome!

Oh, and we met a nice couple who are doing much the same trip as us, only the otehr way around. So we had a lovely conversation trading tips about the various hemispheres.

Anyway, hope you are all well, sorry for the sporadic updates, will try to keep more regular from now on. (there's still some backlog to fill in)

Andy.

(one interesting point about the Time difference - i'm listening to Today FM at the moment, and expected to hear the usual sunday afternoon programming, instead i get Taxi driver nighttime music!)

Now - Pictures!

Sleeping in Singapore Airport

Coral bungalows on Koh Phangan- The swedish lads (Sebastian & Linus), the Galway girls (Sheila, Therese & Michelle) and ourselves.

Myself and Sinead and Uluru.

The desert...

2006-01-06T10:45:00.000Z

we've temporarily gone our seperate ways, to reform in New Zealand, so expect some lapses in continuity.

At the moment, myself and Sinead are sitting in a hostel in Alice Springs. If you look at a map of australia, alice springs is right bang the hell in the middle of it. And, if you remember junior cert geography, Australia is mostly desert. So we're right smack bang in the middle of the desert. It was about 45 degrees today. Just to clarify, if you wash some clothes at this heat, they run.

We stepped off the plane, and it was like walking into a fan oven. Right now, it's too hot to keep my shirt buttoned. (for reasons thatwill hopefully never become obvious, it's somewhat embarassing to keep my shirt open)

Anyway, expect a better, fuller post, with less complaining about the heat when i find an airconditioned internet cafe.

Christmas time, no mistletoe, but wine. (and lots of it!)

2005-12-28T06:11:00.000Z

So we spent Christmas at Coral Bungalows. (Your home away from home (tm) ) A lovely bungalow complex on Koh Phangan run by a shady gun-totin', bungalow robbin' gangster called Ping Pong. And home to the friendliest staff we could hope to come across.

Our Christmas really started with a trip to Tesco on Koh Samui, to pick up supplies. Unfortunately, they were out of Afternoon Tea biscuits, Cadbury's Roses and didn't even have our second choice of Quality Street. However, we made do with a boatload of Danish butter Cookies, some assorted sweets, a nice bottle of wine and a good old fashioned bottle of Jameson. (because it's christmas and we're irish)

Of course then, we had to do our christmas shopping (so difficult when you've so many people to buy for!) And strangely enough, we all got exactly what we wanted! it's almost as if we had picked them out ourselves...

Christmas day kicked off with breakfast and some quality time out in the sun, under the palm trees, watching the sea lap in gently. I found out that my name was on the sign for a 'Christmas Jam' -
MC Xander (uk) - Human beatbox
Ender (USA-nti Bush) - Didgeridoo
Andy (Ireland) - Guitar.

So I spent the morning practicing chrismtas songs (concentrating on ones about the NYPD band still singing GALLLWAY BAAAY!!) Unfortunately, it started to rain really heavily, so we were forced indoors, and consecutively, really, forced to start drinking irish coffees & watching films for the afternoon.

Christmas dinner was a buffet, with everything you'd expect, as well as a whole roast pig, seafood and spring rolls. We were sitting at a table with some English Lads and Pejman, an Iranian/French painter we'd met before. (howyis!) The Christmas concert was a middlin' affair, although there was some excellent singing from the english lads (well done guys) during the fairytale of new york. Add some freeform improvisational hip-hop jamming (which i really tried not to, but MC Xander was all over the idea) and we had our concert.

Then, the good folks of Coral bungalows topped it all off with a festive rave. Hooray! Merry Christmas.

Quick Update

2005-12-26T14:25:00.000Z

Hi everyone.

Sorry. I know we have been doing a rubbish job of keeping this blog up to date. We'll make more of an effort from now on.

So just to bring you up to date, this is what we've been doing:

Feck all.

We've been on this island paradise for about a month in all and to be honest it's a bit boring. The place is beautiful, the staff here are lovely, but it's boring.

Australia is just a 28 hour bus journey, a night spent in an airport, and a 6 hour flight away however, so fingers crossed we'll have more action to report from now on!

backlog - Cambodge!

2005-12-11T05:01:00.000Z

Ok, yes, i know - it's been a while. But hey, here we are again.

So, you've seen our photographs from Cambodia, now hear the stories.

We booked a trip as far as Siam Reap in bangkok. Aircon bus as far as the border, then a mysterious 'other transport' the last 130 km to Siam Reap. The 'other transport' turned out to be a pickup truck, with 16 people on board. Not a modified one, just your average builder's pickup, with 16 exhausted tourists and their rucksacks bouncing around the back, for six hours. On a dirt road. In Cambodia.

At one point, we decided to try and lift the spirits, it went something like this.

Welcome to the hotel Califor-
*we hit a particularly bad bump, and Laura and sinead nearly go flying off the back of the truck*

Eventually, we arrived safely at the driver's brother's guesthouse (funny that), and spent a very pleasant few days in Siam Reap exploring Angkor Wat (home to ruined temples!) And feeling very colonial, drinking gin overlooking the streets, unyil it was time to head on to Phnom Penh. But Cambodian travel seems never to be uneventful!

Motoring along one of the main highways in Cambodia, happy as larry, and we hit a huge traffic jam. It turns out that about 20 minutes before, the entire bridge across a river had collapsed. The road was...not there anymore. Our bus driver herdsus off the bus,and starts waving up the road, towards the river as in 'yes, whitey, walk that way!' Sheep as we are, we did, only to find that a local man had started to build a footbridge across the river with bamboo and twine. Crossed over, caught the bus going the other way on the other side, and headed on. No one passed comment.

During the time in Cambodia, we'd been hearing and reading about the killing fields, and the terrible regime of Pol Pot. So, we decided to book a tour to go see them. The tour also included a visit to the S21 prison camp and to a Shooting range. So we trooped off (anyone ever seen 17,000 human skulls? - or had a guide pick bones out of the ground to show you?) And once we were suitably down on man's inhumanity, we arrived at the shooting range.

This was a disused army base, where they had a menu:
-Ak47 (30 rounds) $30
-M16 (30 rounds) $30
etc, down as far as

-Hand Grenade $20
-Rocket Launcher $200

So, just because it seemed like the done thing, we fired an Ak 47 and an M-16. Now we have a collection of photos that are sure to show up should any of us ever choose to work for the UN.

Apart from that, Phnom penh was pretty tame, we spent evenings drinking cocktails in the Foreign Correspondants' Club (or the 'F' - for those in the know), before taking the bus To Vietnam! (on the way we got a puncture - no such thing as an uneventful trip through cambodia)

More later!

South East Asia

2005-11-23T14:08:00.001Z

Home to secret wars of the CIA. and today, photographs!

The guys look epic in Cambodia, watching the sun rise over Angkor Wat.

Myself and Laura acquire well being via incense smoke in Tokyo.

What time is it? Well it's Pabst o Clock! (also, cool 'stache, no?)

Fotos! Phinally!

2005-11-07T02:41:00.000Z

The guys in front of a statue of Peter the great. (this picture - taken in Siberia)

Man on great wall of china, grinning.
(note gleam on head)

Japan (my chain of events), the current state of affairs re: Photographs.

2005-11-05T02:11:00.000Z

So, having ditched Laura at Osaka station, myself and Sinead took off to Kyoto, cultural capital of Japan. We arrived, had a delicious lunch from Seven-Eleven, waited for the hostel to open, and decided the best way to see the town was by bike. (it's a flat enough city, there was readily available bicycle rental)

Now, when you don't know the rules of the road, it's very easy just to do what you would at home. Turns out - in Japan, it's highly illegal to cycle on the road. We didn't know this, and that's why we ended up pedalling like maniacs along a motorway. (in our defence, it didn't look like a motorway on the map)

Anyway, it got dark, and we figured we were dangerous enough by day, so we called it a night, retreated to the hostel, and spent the evening doing less and less flattering impressions of Mr. Shan.

The next day, in a perfectly timed example of 'you'll get your comeuppance' or 'the laugh will be on the other side of your face' He cornered me, about a hundred and fifty miles from where we'd last left him.

So while Sinead took off to Odate City to meet Laura & Louise. I headed south, down as far as Sera, to meet Gearoid (DUUUDE!) another chancer on the JET programme.

While in Sera, we did a lot of magic. (much easier when you speak a language your audience doesn't.)Picture the scene - a tiny Japanese bar, there's us, and a drunk Japanese Nurse...

Gearoid: Ok,pick a card
Drunk Japanese Nurse: Ah! *picks 3 of diamonds, shows it to me, puts it back in the deck*
Gearoid: Now I will guess your card! *does magic-ey movements*
Me: Dude, it's the three of diamonds.
Gearoid shuffles through the deck, pulls out the three of diamonds, Nurse explodes with amazement.

Gearoid and his friends also brought me to a tiny okonomiyaki place, run by a lovely japanese woman, who tried out all sorts of wierd and wacky japanese food on me. (it's a small town, not many white folks) Salted, fishy prune anyone?

So, after hanging out in Sera for a few days, having the craic, watching telly (up to speed on Lost & family guy now!) I hopped the ole'shinkansen (that's bullet train to you...non japanese folks) and headed for Tokyo.

---

Some of you may have notice a slight increase in the rate of posts. That's because we're in Bangkok, it's a million degrees, we're mostly a little wrecked from the night before, and there's air conditioned internet right down here near the swimming pool.

I've been working on trying to get photos up from here, but since I have to install drivers & can't reboot, it'll probably be later on.

---

The...uh...mormon issue. I'd like to clear that one up right now. As laura says, we were on our way to the halloween party, and I was wearing a 'fro wig. And this pretty girl next to me turns to me, smiles and says 'Happy halloween!'

Now, I don't normally check for Mormon badges, and I try like hell not to stare at girls chests when I'm talking to them. So that's how I...uh...missed the fact that I was chatting up an on-duty, returning from knocking on doors during her missionary work Mormon.

So Laura's telling of events is as usual, completely accurate.

---

Sinead's promised to do Tokyo!

now, breakfast! And we've a team talk this morning, we've to figure out where to go next.

Hallowe'en Hong Kong style

2005-11-04T16:11:00.000Z

So there we were in Hong Kong, and it was Hallowe'en. I had read in a paper in some bar that there was to be a street party happening in some place called Lan Kwai Fong. Three wigs later (one black afro, one long pink style, and one wavy blue style) we were ready to go.

There being no flies on us, we had noticed on the metro station list a place called Kwai Fong. Aha, I thought, that's obviously where we want to go. So off we head with our lovely head gear (Sammy decided his own hair looked wig-like enough!). There were no other people wearing costumes on the metro, and Kwai Fong seemed to be in the back of nowhere, so long did it take us to reach there.

We weren't bored though. Oh no, Andy made sure of that. Sinead & I have been slagging Andy recently on how he's not the world's fastest mover where the opposite sex is concerned, so he said he'd prove us wrong...pity he chose a Mormon on the metro to try prove his point!

In his defence, he says he didn't see her badge. It was the funniest thing I've heard in ages however - I'm going to buy ringside seats for the next time he tries to woo a girl!

So he started his attack by asking whether she was going to this street party. Then proceeded to ask whether Kwai Fong was a bit of craic or not. Then asked whether she'd be in the humour to go drinking with us there. Then said we'd probably be having a few beers on the street. Then started talking about toilets in China and how horrible they were (she lived in Beijing at some point), and mentioned something about it being difficult to mime if there was a language barrier and you needed to know where the toilets were..So not only was he on a losing streak anyway what with trying to chat up a Mormon; he also throws toilets into the conversation for good measure!

Not surprisingly, Andy and the Mormon were not to get together. But the night wasn't finished yet. We got to Kwai Fong to find...nothing. No party atmosphere, no Hallowe'en costumes. One inquiry later we found that Lan Kwai Fong was close to the centre of town. What we had in effect done was the equivalent of hearing there was a Hallowe'en street party happening on Dublin Street in Longford, and head to Dublin for the main event!

We quickly recovered, got the metro back into town, and joined all the other costumed people. It seems a street party in Hong Kong is not a party on a street. We ended up joining the throng for a parade through the street of Lan Kwai Fong. We were part of the spectacle! And even though the only effort we had made was getting wigs, that didn't stop our popularity. I'm not sure how many times we had our photo taken on the night, but it was definitely around the 100 mark! It got to the point that we were almost posing before being asked, so used did we get to the camera! I suppose the fact that we'll never have to see the pictures made it easier. However, we are now gracing the pages of many picture albums in Hong Kong! Excellent.

So that sums up our Hallowe'en night - how was yours?

Japan

2005-11-04T15:57:00.000Z

So we got to Japan, and with the help of the aforementioned Mr. Shan and two random Japanese ladies managed to get to the train station we needed.

It was here we were to split up for the first time since leaving, but also here that we realised our phones didn't work in Japan. (Funny, Japan isn't as techie as you'd think. I was expecting the cutting edge of all things technology, but no. Most people don't use electric kettles, most washing machines are cold water only, and it's nigh on impossible to get a cash machine to accept international cards unless you are smack bang in the middle of Tokyo. Credit cards? Forget using them. However, showing how strange the priority list is in Japan, almost everyone has a heated toilet seat with optional waterfall sounds!)

So anyway, Sinead & Andy were heading to Kyoto for the night, while I was planning on meeting Sammy and Marcus (past Wilsonian living in Japan) in Nagoya. Of course I didn't have contact details for anyone however, so I was in a bit of a pickle. One check of the e-mails later I found out Sammy had rented a Japanese phone for the week, so I got in touch with him on that and successfully bumbled my way to Nagoya.

One delicious meal (waiting for the first okonomiyaki restaurant to open in Dublin) and a short sleep later, it was off to Odate City for me to see Louise (another past Wilsonian living in Japan...the JET programme has been so useful for us!). Odate is way up north of the main island. I thought I would get to see some of the Japanese country side on the way...but of course I fell asleep! The Shinkansen is a very comfy train, what can I say more than that?

So I experienced Odate for the weekend. Louise was an excellent hostess, with a great mix of Japanese and Western food. She shared all of her friends for the weekend and I think we got something of a reputation there, showing up at one of the place's three pubs for three nights running!

Japanese food is really great - there was nothing I didn't enjoy. What I particularly miss are those rice cakes they sell in convenience stores...there's a market for them in Spar I reckon.

When the weekend ended it was back to Tokyo for a quick visit before flying to Hong Kong. The Japanese have a reputation of being friendly, and Sinead & I found this out when looking for our hostel. I was standing on the street with all the bags while Sinead went searching for our hostel. Without being asked, a man came up to see where I needed to go. He wasn't exactly sure where the hostel was, so out came the phone to call it and see. At which point Sinead returned, having found the place. Not to be stopped there the man inquired whether or not we intended going to Japan's south island, and offered us all a place to stay if we were!

I can't be bothered right now to describe Tokyo - perhaps someone else will give you a post on it soon...

Boats

2005-11-04T12:36:00.000Z

So, after much chasing over Shanghai, we managed to book our passage to Osaka. a 2 day ferry trip. (by we, i mean me, sinead and Laura - Sam flew, he had a rendez vous with a certain italian girl)

The boat was brilliant - the only way to travel, as far as i'm concerned. There was karaoke! Picture the scene - Me and a nice isreali girl (who turned out to be an armed bodyguard!) belting out Africa by Toto, in front of an empty bar, in rough seas. As Laura put it: 'that's really why you came travelling'

My cabin mate turned out to be a nice elderly Japanese american chap by the name of Mr. Shan. Mr shan had been all over the world. And had stories about being all over the world. And views on the people he had met...all over the world. And, happily enough, he had a really easily imitatable voice! Hi-larious!

(As an addendum to the Mr. Shan - Two days later, I'd just dropped Sinead off at a train station, bought a nice solitary coffee, sat down with a good book, happy as a pig in...and, who do I hear, only the same endlessly talkative voice I'd been imitating the whole night before. 2 hours more of Mr Shan, in an exclusive Andy-only performance!)

So for the two days on the boat, the girls reverted to their natural state (pyjama-ed), and we vegged out like demons. Best way to travel, ever!

Tomorrow, Japan!

Tonight - please god no beer, pleeease!

(and to all our fans who want photographs- stay tuned, we have the technology! highlights include - the legendary halloween costumes, the great wall, various landmarks, and adventures in trick photography!)

China...as promised

2005-11-03T11:56:00.000Z

Hi again all.

Apologies first of all for the lack of blogging about our trip in the last few weeks. To be fair though China didn't allow us to update it in the country. Better late than never though.

So, we arrived in Beijing from Irkutsk on a Friday morning, at about 5.30am. Of course we thought the city would be dead until later on...but no. Our hostel (Leo Hostel 2 - excellent) was on a very lively little hutong and business was brisk even at that time. We breakfasted on delicious dumplings at about 6am. We are all dumpling-ed out now, but it was the best food in the world at the time.

The early morning colour was a sign of what was to come. Beijing is dirty, smelly, lively, colourful, funny, and a great place to visit. It has an energy that hits you.

It took us a few days to get into the haggling, but once we started we loved it. We probably all agree that Sammy was the expert of the group, even managing to sell a CD himself at one point!

We checked out all the "must sees" of course. The Great Wall was probably my favourite. We got a bus there, and met a Canadian - Fred - on the way. Instead of choosing the cable car route to get up to the wall we chose to walk up the steps...big mistake. However, the wall was pretty great. We also saw other things - Chairman Mao's body, the Summer Palace and the Forbidden City. I'd tell you about it, but I'm not allowed....(sorry for the crap joke!)

After 5 days we set off for Shanghai. We had left it too late to get hard sleepers on the overnight train, so we got hard seats. How bad can it be we thought? Quite bad it turns out! We were a source of fascination for the Chinese people on the train. It was as bad as the Dublin - Sligo train, possibly worse, but we had to try and sleep on it as well.

We arrived in Shanghai a little worse for wear, but soon perked up. Shanghai is more Western than Beijing, much cleaner and with less spitting. We stayed in a great hostel where we met some more lovely people. (Hello Tyler & co.!)

I attended my first ever foam party in Shanghai, and went around for the next two days with damp money from being in my pocket.

Shanghai was more about having fun than seeing attractions, so we did. After five days however we were off to Japan by boat. More on this later as I have to go meet the guys for a few drinks on Khao San Rd. (I hope you're jealous!)

Stay well, and I promise to update you in a more organised and informative way soon!

Catchup 1 - Russia!

2005-10-22T00:29:00.000Z

Yeeah, it's been a while, and uh,how're you...Anyway, might as well just hop straight in!

...as we rolled into this huge deserted station in St.Petersburg, they started playing this communist march over the Tannoy, foreboding stuff!

Happily, the whole Russia section of the tour was organised by a tour company, so we had little or no actual travelling to organise ourselves. We were met at all the stations by people with no english, but a card looking for people with names spelt similar to our own. So apologies to Laura Ruder and Andrew Horan. We stole your holiday, and hope that you're not wandering around that station in St Petersburg.

So we stayed in the Hotel Neva (formerly a bordello), drank some vodka, didn't go to the museum of human monstrosities, saw a car chase (Motorbike vs police Ford Focus), took a walking tour of yellow edifices with white columns, and visited the Hermitage.

Then on to Moscow, where we arrived 7 hours early in our hotel and spent those seven hours asleep on couches in the lobby, drooling, snoring, not showered. Ah the people at that hotel, they loved us.

Moscow, we saw all the Red Square stuff, the Dead lenin stuff (he glows!) some KGB stuff, we were taken on a tour by a woman who was understandibly angry at the legacy of the stalinist purges. (apparently, it had thinned the gene pool considerably, and now, on the metro, well there are not many men whose faces you would not get tired of looking at)

So after 2 days there, we began the more epic part of the trip, the TRANS SIBERIAN RAILWAY!! (trans manchurian to be annoyingly pedantic)

We had our own four person cabin, which was plenty of room, and we spent the four days in a pleasant fug of napping, dozing, staring out the window, napping, dozing, you get the picture.

We also met two Swedish guys, Janni and Thomas. (more on whom later)

Eventually, we pulled into Irkutsk, were driven out the country to a tiny town in Siberia called Listavyanka. (which scans really well to the song Lisdoonvarna) We spent 2 lovely days there in a homestay, having saunas, trekking through woods, eating like kings. Yeah, Siberia was lovely.

And we ran into Janni and Thomas, by the shore of Lake Baikal, purely by accident. (more on whom later)

Then a quick sojorn in Irkutsk, and back on the train. Only this time, we had King Lion instant mash potato! The best instant food in the world.

NEXT UPDATE-CHINA!

Delay tactic

2005-10-21T06:49:00.000Z

Hey how are ye?

We know we've been remiss in updating this, but that:s only partly our fault. The chinese government aren't exactly enamoured with the idea of blogging. (and right now, i've to catch a bullet train out of Kyoto) But expect posts over the next few days covering, among other things:

Russia (with trains!)
China
and
Boats!

Bumbling? I don't think so

2005-09-27T15:04:00.000Z

We're not bumbling around the world at all.

We can even read Russian now* after only about a week in the place.

* well, our Metro stop and some shop signs at any rate..

Helsinki, in defense of pantslessness, beginning of the epic

2005-09-21T19:07:00.000Z

So, Because my family read this (hiyis) I feel it incumbent upon me to fill in the full story of the pants incident. So we get the carriage with the one eyed hunchback guy and the girl with the transparent knicks. And Im up in the very top bunk, getting tucked up for bed. Iäm a little wierded out by the whole thing, and donät know quite what to be doing. So, I decide, the hell with it, Iäll get a bit of kip.

Now seriously, who sleeps in trousers? So, I discreetly depantsed myself. (by discreetly i mean, i said "right, Iäm taking my pants off" & followed up.)

The second sleeper train, we got split up, and I ended up sharing my cabin with a beautiful polish scientist on her way back from an aluminium conference in siberia. And let me tell you the things that went on in that cabin! (a little awkward but polite conversation, a bit of a read and an early night)

ON to real business. Helsinki.

We got into Helsinki yesterday, from Warsaw. We all agree, this place is lovely. (if a little cold - we had to stock up on hats, scarves and thermal underwear, mmm attractive)

Theyäve a tractor themed restaurant here - Zetor, where we had our dinner last night (had to, really -what with the high proportion of culchies in our little band), and just now, we´re letting a good feed of reindeer sandwiches settle. (very salty, not unlike salami)

We´ve spent our time here doing the usual sightseeing, I took a bit of a run around the old olympic training ground & we did a bit of postcarding. (send us yeer postal addresses!)

The other focus of today has been preparing for russia. Tomorrow morning, we take a train to St. Petersburg. (dendenDeeeeeh!) We picked up a bunch of roubles, enough books to keep a small library going & an awful lot of boil-in-the enamel-picnic-mug noodles. We could survive a nuclear war at this stage. (and who knows, we may have to)

Anyway, probably time for bed now, will keep ye all posted as we progress onto the more epic, trans-siberian portion of the trip.

Andy, currently wearing pants.

Sleeper trains...

2005-09-19T18:48:00.000Z

I promised a post about the sleep trains we have got since leaving Ireland, so here is it..

We arrived at and left Budapest by sleeper train. The first journey was a nine hour one from Prague to Budapest. We got the train at 23.23 from a desolate Prague train station. We were full of excitment at getting our first sleeper train.

So the train arrives and we all hop on and get to our compartment. I should let you know at this point that Andy is normally slightly uptight about travel arrangements anyway.

Our compartment turned out to be a six-sleeper, approx. the size of a small family car. We were sharing with Fonnie* & Cish*. Fonnie had transparent knickers (Sammy was quick to point this out to the group the next morning), and Cish only had one eye but made up for it with a scary beard thing, ear thing, hair thing - hell the guy had the asymmetry thing down pat.

So lets just say there was a bit of tension in the air from the start. Sinead & I got a bit giggley, as we were still excited. Sammy put on some Ace of Base on the old iPod and got settled in, while Andy.....took his trousers off!

Now the rest of us had planned to sleep in our day gear, but not our Andy. Not five minutes were we on that train before he had de-pantsed himself. Later questioning revealed his motives

-I...uh...didn't know what else to do...

I mean, sure, the rest of us were in awe of his masculine and god like figure (this post may have been slightly edited by Andy) but still. As a group, despite andy's actions, we remain resolutely pro-pants, in most, if not all situations.

I've just sent Andy off to the kitchen to cook us up a few pizzas so I'll finish off this post now.

I don't think Andy will chance the de=pantsing thing again, so much slagging did he get about it. It didn't help that we met another traveller soon after (Hi Valia!) and without any background explanation we kept mentioning Andy taking his trousers off at every occasion.

The final paragraph is for our second sleeper train journey - Budapest to Krakow. It was like the Hilton of trains. We had a sink, some snacks, only 3 beds to a carriage...

Being only a 3-bed compartment Andy had offered to take the single bed in another carriage. I offered multiple times to sleep in the stranger's compartment, but he was fine with it..

Turns out he was sharing with a woman on the way back from a conference. He got a bit antsy about the situation..

Yep, the pants came off again..

Fingers crossed the lesson will be learned by Russia....

*names have been changed to protect identities

Bumbling along...

2005-09-19T05:13:00.000Z

Just a quick post to update all on our bumblings..

We left Berlin last Monday (12th) and got the train to Prague. We bumbled around our hostel for about half an hour before finding it.

Prague turned out to be pleasant but crowded (damn those pesky tourists). Sinead, Sammy & I walked most of the city before carrying out a classic bumble. We walked all the way up to the top of the hill, then decided to get a cable car down. The machine kept beeping and wouldn't give us tickets, so we decided, in our infinite wisdom, that the best thing to do would be to get on anyway...

...at the end of the hill not one but two inspectors were waiting...and they weren't happy campers! Eventually they agreed to go back up the hill to check the machine. We used all our charm on the way up and made friends with the inspector. At the top, turned out we were right. The English language instructions messed up the system.

So we were VIP'd through the system and came through unscathed.

Must go catch a train now, but will post a bumble re. sleeper train at next stop - make sure to check it out because it'll be a good one!

Wonderful, wonderful Yorkstraße, Jogging the Berlin Wall, Snackpoint Charlie

2005-09-11T19:48:00.000Z

Hello from the day of walking (once again, Deutschekeyboard hilarity to ensue).

We woke up, it was lashing rain, the sky was grey. Our hostel overlooks a huge deserted trainyard just on the east side of the wall. I left a chalk mark on the corner lamppost, as requested and made contact with the cutout. The operation was a succ...sorry. Anyway. I for one spent most of the morning in a cold war reverie.

The obvious thing to do, given the weather was to set off on a 4 hour walking tour of berlin. It was actually prettz interesting. We saw all the old buildings, nicely decorated with patched over machinegun fire, walked over a lovely car park built over Hitler`s bunker, and marvelled at some of Albert Speer´s architecture.

Then, we spent the afternoon wandering around berlin, taking in the local and unique charms of Yorkstraße (reached ever so easily - nay accidentally) on the S-Bahn.

We engaged in some hilarious acts of not paying on the train, visited the beautiful Rosa Luxembourg plaz, the remains of the Gestapo HQ, drank Coffee in Cafe Adler (downstairs from the ex CIA hq, and where John Le Carre used to write) visited Checkpoint Charlie (surrounded by Chezkpoint, and Snackpoint Charlie) and took off for home.

Quick note - if you find zourself being buried in Berlin, for godäs sake look after zour grave. They do an odd thing & give zou a ticket if zour grave is loose. A second ticket telling zou to move it, and then thez unceremoniouslz take zour gravestone awaz and dump itin a pile.

Finallz, i fulfilled a minor ambition and jogged along the side of the berlin wall at dusk. (verz poetic)

Also,happz birthdaz to Declan.

peace out, homies.

A.

Bumbling Post # 1

2005-09-10T21:37:00.000Z

Hello all from Berlin.

As you should have picked up from sentence one this is being written on a German keyboard. Therefore all zs are where the letter y should be...along with a couple of other sneakz changes, so make the relevant amendments as zou read!

So itäs daz 5 of our trip around the world. Thanks to Kevin we have been leaving cards advertising this site in random places along the waz, so hello to all our new readers...who will probablz be street cleaners, park cleaners, adult shop cleaners etc due to where we left our calling cards.

So far we have hit Copenhagen, Malmo (the Red Cow Roundabout of Scandanavia as far as we can tell), Hamburg & Berlin.

And we have bumbled in each.

In Copenhagen we didnät book accommodation for the second night of our staz and hence had to go to another countrz to get a bed (hence the unscheduled visit to Malmo). Andz nearlz got killed bz a bike on manz occasions...those bike lanes are not too clearlz marked and czclists in Copenhagen are an unethical bunch.

But it doesnät stop there. We got to Hamburg in one piece despite our best efforts, and on our first afternoon decided, after walking down the river bank for about a decade, to get a water bus back to citz centre. Except we missed the regular water bus & instead attracted the attention of a passing tourist boat. The kind-natured tour guide decided to give us a lift & tried parking her boat alongside us in order to let us get on. She was talking awaz in German all the while & out of the blue threw a rope at us....Andz manfullz tried to drag a huge boat full of people ashore, which obviouslz didnät work. We climbed aboard to laughter - our preferred response.

Itäs almost not worth mentioning, but we have also been milling people with our rucksacks..but thatäs a given is it not??

Other than this we have been having a good time knacker-drinking in parks across northern Europe. (This is not out of the ordinarz - itäs what everzone does here, honest..)

Hello to all back home, and feel free to keep us up to date with the minutae of zour life throughout the zear.

Until our next bumbling post,

Laura, Andz, Sammz & Sinead

Cake

2005-09-05T14:11:00.000Z

Picture and Cake courtesy of Nick Murtagh and David and Joan O'Callaghan.

Par-Tay.

2005-09-05T00:38:00.000Z

Well, last night we had our going away do. There was a cake shaped like an octopus, much alcohol, various generations of Moran Brothers, mixing of groups of friends, some tears, a missing phone, no punchkindle, sleazing, shitdancing, a couple wearing the face off each other, a girl with an unreliable bra strap (alledgedly), lots of 'now look after XXX' talks and more beer than any group of people should ever intake.

A brilliant night, and thanks to all y'all for coming.

Especially to Eric, who said that if it came to a brawl, it'd be him and me da fightin' back to back.

We've to be in the airport in 28 hours, and I'm getting a bit nervous. We're leaving everyone behind, family, friends. We can't make plans at this point. Earlier on this evening, I was chatting to Conor (my brother) about the new series of Trailer Park Boys. I won't see it. I know it's a massive adventure, but it will mean we'll miss some stupid things from home.

Anyway - it's 2 in the morning. I'll post again tomorrow, hopefully with pictures of the party.

Andy

One week

2005-08-30T00:27:00.000Z

That's right, folks one week and we're outta here. So, in an effort to distract myself from the terrifying 'contingency' conversations my dad keeps having with me, here's a quick recap on what's gone on in the last 9 months.

-we got drunk
-planned a route
-paid for tickets
-injected ourselves with disease
-bought all sorts of untested-rumoured-to-work-gear
-got degrees/worked in jobs/did both (damn you Donaldson!)
-Decided not to go to Vladistok. Why? because apparently it's too scary. Just because it's corrupt & run by the mob, surrounded by tigers, and poorly serviced by an airline with a bad safety record. bah.
-Had birthdays
-learned to sail
-fell off surfboards (well I did)

Also, and I think our going away do is worth mentioning:

Bowes on fleet street (upstairs)

Sep 3rd (that's Saturday)

7:00

be there! It's gonna rule.

Shopping

2005-08-25T23:29:00.000Z

So it's been a while since I've posted.

Today, I did a load of shopping & bought all sorts of cheap brilliant things - a plastic bowl, a cheap phone that works all over the world, some convertible pants and a bunch of other boring stuff.

(woo! just got a new ringtone for my shiny phone. Africa by toto, you just can't beat it.)

Aarrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!

2005-08-24T16:23:00.000Z

I need a packer.

Someone who will pack up all my belongings and distribute them relevantly to my home in Longford, a backpack for going around the world & a bag for living out of for a week or so.

All while I'm watching tv.

Rose tinted glasses

2005-08-24T15:48:00.000Z

Has anyone else started to feel slightly more sentimental than usual today? Realised that you have the nicest family around, best friends ever & that Dublin is a very pleasant place to live?

You have to be in a certain kind of (verging on cruel) humour to be able to carry out the mayhem plan...

2005-08-18T20:28:00.000Z

...& I am.

Party! - Music - Radio

2005-08-01T12:13:00.000Z

So, it's down to a month and five days till we leave!

We want to have a party before we go, kind of a 'see yis in a year, lads!'. If nothing else, it'll be a good opportunity to punch that one guy I want to punch, drunkenly confess my love to whoever is unlucky enough to get in my way, and just generally behave in such a disgusting manner that it'll take a year before any of our friends even talk to us again.

We're going to rent a room in a pub in town. Anyway, why am I telling you this? Because, of course you're invited!

Keep Sat 3rd September free, motherfuckers!

---

Music to listen to while planning trip. (expect on-the-road updates)

Colony, 808 State.
(aka: Travel theme of Cheezy Chat)
When we played this first on the radio, Laura didn't think we were going to find anywhere sunny enough on the trip to warrant this song. It starts off with this slow spanish guitar bit that (swwwooooshh) you're walking out onto a beach just before sunset, the sand warm under your feet...(if this doesn't bring you there, you're dead inside. Dead.)

Black and White Town, The Doves.
The soundtrack to us overpowering Chechen Rebels/Columbian Drug Lords/Corrupt local sherrifs. (I watch too many action films)

The Worst, The Rolling Stones.
Keith Richards singing about how he's 'the worst kind of guy for you to be around'. He may well be, but I'm probably not. (I'm actually quite nice & reasonably respoonsible), but I still learnt this on the guitar. I figure once we swing the Mayhem plan (ver 2.0) into action, I might need a song I can sing,staring wistfully into the distance, reflecting on the bad things I've done, the people I've hurt...

This is what I look like when I play guitar, I presume.

Holiday in Cambodia, The Dead Kennedys
We are going to Cambodia, so we have to listen to this, really. Also, if at any point we get into a barfight, This is the song that'll be playing on the jukebox amid the broken glass and flying tables.

---

Laura and myself (and Kev & Patsy, but they're not coming) ordinarily do a radio show. Cheezy Chat, every monday night on 92.5 Phoenix FM. (listen in, we think it's funny!) We've been doing it for well over a year and a half at this stage, and we've talked about doing it as a serious career when we come back.

However, due to a transmitter refit, the station's off the air for August(!!!) Which means we only have one show left! One more cheezy chat, the night before we leave! What are we going to do? Any suggestions?

Mayhem!

2005-07-29T12:13:00.000Z

Two posts in a row by the technophobe....what's the world coming to?

I have a proposal for a new mayhem plan.

If you have read our previous posts you'll remember something, titled "I'm just popping out to get some cigarettes" or similar, about our plan for mayhem before we go. Basically the plan was this: because we get to leave everything behind for a year, we reckoned it might be fun to use this to create consequences we can escape from.

We were hopeless at carrying out this plan.

Examples of what we could have done:

find a great job with lots of responsibility, then pop out of the office at the most inopportune of moments....to go around the world

run up huge gambling debts, then leave

form a serious relationship, then just pop out to go to the toilet on the morning of departure...and not come back

Instead what we did was:

keep the jobs we have and are very loyal to (and who have known about the round the world plan since its inception) / not get a job at all

not run up huge gambling debts (though I suppose there's still time)

not form a serious relationship (who were we kidding here - most of us are emotionally retarded anyway) / begin to casually "see" people (hate that phrase but you know what I mean) but still not have the heart to even think about being that horrible to them

But, in a flash of inspiration today I have come up with a new plan...mayhem around the world.

Because, after all, if we pursued mayhem before we go we would still have to face consequences, albeit a year later.

This way, everyone at home will still love us and we get to leave the mayhem behind as we travel.

Ingenius, don't you think?

I'm still here

2005-07-25T14:34:00.000Z

Hi everyone,

I just thought I'd sign in & reassure everyone that I haven't disappeared. I sit in front of a computer all day every day but still haven't managed to post anything in months.

In my defence I'm a technophobe & have been spending my time figuring out other things like how to hook my digital camera up to my computer (it took longer than you'd think), what I'm going to pack to bring around the world, whether or not I can get an external battery pack for my Creative mp3 player (I can't), and the merits of buying an enamel mug.

I've sorted out most of the above. I am now the proud owner of a micro fleece & agree with everything Andy says about them. Of course mine is more stylish and feminine than his.

I also have an enamel mug, and a groovy knife/fork/spoon set.

I still haven't gotten round to making the necessary adjustments to the back of my rucksack, or starting to pack away all the stuff that I'm going to have to send home before I leave.

You'd wonder how I ever got the motivation to decide to go around the world in the first place...

Direct quotes from The Russia Experience Info-Pack, answering our questions on travelling across Russia.

2005-07-23T10:40:00.000Z

'We've complained, of course, but no-one listens'

'Russian porn is porn with a soul'

'After an hour at such temperatures, your fingers and ears can snap off accidentally if hit, even lightly'

'Never roll up your sleeves in front of someone - it signals the intention to have a fist-fight'

'If you are missing McEating, then miss no more!'

'Russians succeed in being very normal and just like you or me - they have families, they have pets, they get sick, they like sticky cakes, they have arms and legs.'

'This is what gives them an advantage over westerners who are widely known to have no soul at all!'

'Redneck crap doesn't come finer than this'

'The worst thing that can happen is a clash of claques, which can add 15-20 minutes to a performance'

'Such pain is vital for the Russian soul'

'If you like Thurbron's 'Englishman Abroad' style, you may enjoy this. We personally don't'

'No connection with Russia, we just wanted to introduce our favourite wise crackin', crime-solvin', C&W singin' Texan sleuth.'

Tiny tainted guitar

2005-07-07T21:34:00.000Z

I bought a tiny guitar today. It doesn't look like a guitar. It sounds like one though. In my head, I'm playing the blues on a beach at sunset to a crowd of smiling brazilian girls. One of them passes me a cigarette. The waves lap in. There was a barbecue earlier, and we had freshly caught fish. I've a cold bottle of beer beside me, the moisture on the side slowly dripping down onto the sand.

My brother, however took a different view of it. See, the guitar isn't guitar shaped. It's more...

He started leaping around the kitchen playing greensleeves and looking for directions to the renaissance fayre.

Totally tainted forever. Now in my brazilian beach daydream, I have a jester suit on.

Things I have bought that are currently sitting in my rucksack awaiting being taken around the world.

2005-06-25T22:33:00.000Z

1)A sleeping bag.
Apparently, this can 'keep me cool over 15 degrees, and keep me warm above -1'. What?!!?! Also, it neatly folds up into a tiny bag. I say folds up, It came in a bag that size, I unfolded it when I brought it home. There's not a hope it's going back in that bag...

2)A human sized bag made of sheet in natty blue tartan.
Why i need this is still a mystery to me. However, I presume it'll come in handy when we accidentally end up murdering a drifter after Laura laces our supper with PCP.

3)A microfleece.
This thing is only magic. It weighs about as much as a t-shirt, but when you put it on, it's instantly too hot. No matter what the climate is. Middle of siberia in winter, this thing is going to be too hot.

4)A knife, fork and spoon set.
I like to eat, I'm not leaving this to chance.

5)An enamel mug.
This was Sinead's idea. I can in no way claim credit for it. But it means we can drink coffee at any time of day or night. Which is the dream, really.

6)The SAS survival guide (pocket edition)
When our plane crashes in Ulan Bator, we'll be able to construct a shelter, make fire, trap bears, make medicine from plants and seeds, and even make a 13 screen multiplex.

7)iPod external battery pack.
No matter how much you want to talk about the effect of globalisation on tribal culture in Ecuador, I can tune you out, motherfucker. Then I'm gonna throw batteries at you.

8)Books.
Norman Mailer - The Naked and The Dead.
John Irving - The World According to Garp.
(anyone any other suggestions?)

Things that have a similar effect to the typhoid vaccine:

2005-05-28T10:03:00.000Z

-Being punched in the arm by Aidan Duggan in second year, when you told him to go fuck himself and his french homework.

-Falling asleep on the floor after a party, and waking up to realise you've spent the whole night asleep on an upturned plug.

-That one time in work when it was really quiet, and you were reading health websites and imagining you were having a heart attack. (although that wasn't real, more the effect of call centre coffee and hypochondria)

-Being punched in the arm by your friend Conor in 5th class when you said 'there's no such thing as a dead arm'

-An experimental phase in 6th class where you decided that you would no longer feel pain. And Conor decided to test that with punching. To your credit, you kept up the pretence until he got tired and admitted that no, you probably couldn't feel pain. you rule.

-That time you drunkenly said that Australian girl had a nice ass. Yeah, you paid for that one. And you were wrong, she didn't laugh, and find it ironic. Because although you meant it ironically...Yeah, you don't come off well out of this one, quit while you're ahead.

-Stabbing yourself surreptitiously in the arm with a biro in an effort to stay awake during a lecture entitled 'TV Drama & Social History; critiqueing Dallas and Dynasty from a Marxist perspective'.

I am an idiot.

2005-05-15T10:12:00.000Z

Through prior entries, you may have detected a certain amount of self-deprecating humour. This morning, I hope to buck that routine, and strip away any layers of doubt.

I am an idiot, and here is why:

I decided to get in shape for going away, by jogging. Now, exercise and I have only a passing aquaintance.We stop on the street, say hello, ask how each other is doing, before becoming incredibly awkward, mumbling something about a meeting,and being on our way. What I'm trying to say is:I had no runners, or in fact any sort of sportswear.

But, I wanted to give this jogging thing a go. I knew it'd be tough, and I knew I'd be pushing myself, but I was ready. (I spent days watching nothing but war films, doing blow and punching walls to psych myself up) Now, I couldn't run in my shoes. However, my brother has a nice light pair of hiking boots. Let me explain to you how my logic with this works.

Who runs?
Athletes, Footballers, Soldiers

And do any of them wear boots?
Funny you should mention it, yes! they do! Soldiers wear boots!

Even when running?
Oh yeah, for sure! Yeah, remember stripes? With Bill Murray, I'm pretty sure he wore boots. Oh, and Delta Force, with Chuck Norris? Boots there too.

This sounds like a pretty awful idea...you're not a soldier, you're just some guy who spends his day in front of a computer. I mean, soldiers are tough.
GET SOME!!! COME ON MARINE!!! SEMPER FI!!! RUN IN BOOTS!!!
*Headbutts wall*

Now, 3 weeks later, my knee is sore.
(and I've bought runners)

Guidelines for travel vaccinations

2005-05-12T14:59:00.000Z

1)On entering clinic waiting room, you will notice a small playhouse. It is normal to experience urges to get into the house and make faces out the window.
IMPORTANT: IF THERE ARE OTHER PATIENTS IN THE WAITING ROOM DO NOT ATTEMPT TO ENTER PLAYHOUSE, RATHER BRIBE, BET, OR OTHERWISE COERCE YOUR FELLOW TRAVELLERS INTO GETTING IN.

2)The doctor will explain to you everything you need to know about the vaccines you are to be injected wtih. It is perfectly normal that you tune these out and daydream about being a marine engineer.

3)A nurse will administer the injections. IMPORTANT: Nurse will again explain the injections, Ensure that during this time you are pre-occupied with appearing macho.

4)Part way through the actual injections, remember you are having fatal diseases injected into your bloodstream, and have daydreamed your way through any and all safety precautions, guidelines and notes.

AT THIS POINT, IF YOU EXPERIENCE FEELINGS OF MILD TERROR, INCREASE FREQUENCY OF JOKES & LAME ATTEMPTS TO IMPRESS NURSE. THIS WILL FAIL. SHE HAS HEARD ALL THE INJECTION JOKES.

5) You will recieve a small yellow book. This is very important. Lose this as soon as possible.

6) You may take it as read that over the next 48 hours, any odd aches and pains, itches, pins & needles, yawns or tiredness are the first signifiers of the onset of Hepatitis, Yellow Fever, Typhoid and Rabies.

SIDE EFFECTS

1) Weight loss in the wallet area.
2) The feeling of being hit with a spade
3) Listlessness, boredom, and disinterest in completion of masters thesis due in 2 weeks.

"I'm just stepping out for a packet of cigarettes"

2005-05-01T15:59:00.000Z

One of the unusual things facing us at the moment is the notion that we're all going to up sticks for a year, and leave everything & everyone we know.

Now, this would cause us to be a little sad and wistful, but being the 'look on the bright side' types that we are, we've been looking at this in a rather different way. We would be more of the opinion that our imminent departure affords us a unique opportunity to cause mayhem, before escaping on a year long exile.

So far, I've committed to writing a one man show, entitled 'the penis dialogues' for a theatre festival that will take place here when we are somewhere around Irktusk, safely drinking vodka, chowing down on blinis (a dumpling, I believe), and about as far from independent theatre (and the shrill folk involved) as is possible without a space shuttle.

Other things I'm hoping to develop between now and D-Day:

A horribly co-dependent relationship.
Ideally, this will come to the point where the question 'but why do you love me' is asked. I'll nip out for a cigarette...

A senior administrative position.
"I'm going to need the petersen report, otherwise the merger's going down the toilet!" "Hang, on, I just left it out in the car"

Gambling Debts
This one's pretty obvious. Although I'm really going to have to step up my gambling if my debts are going to be worth running away around the world for...

Any other situations anyone can think of?

Postacquisition Evaluation

2005-04-28T09:05:00.000Z

In Hand
Got the Macpac Rucksack in tact via postman

Postive Disconfirmation
After much checking,testing and spending an hour fitting a double duvet in the pack, I realised that double wasnt going to fit so used the contents of the airing cupboard. It all fitted and the performance exceeded the standard I have had set of fitting a warerobe into my bag.

I have reached the Optimum Stimulation Level.

A re-written dialogue between me and the guy who persisted on lecturing me about ethical travelling...

2005-04-22T07:56:00.000Z

Hippie: So, I'm just back from South America

Me: Oh, hey cool, I'm going there next year!

Hippie: oh, it's amazing.

Me: Yeah,I can't wait.

Hippie: But it's become very westernised...

Me: oh yeah?

Hippie: It's, like we have this cultural imperialism

Me (surreptitiously getting spade): mm-hmm?

Hippie: Like we think our culture is somehow superior...

Me (giving spade a few test swings): oh, totally...

Hippie: I mean, who are we to say that adequate healthcare is a good thing?

*SPADE!!*

Me: I am Tiger woods.

Visa application (abbreviated)

2005-04-12T12:14:00.000Z

Are you, or have you been known by any other name?
There's a small mexican mining town that know me only as El Baldo.

Have you ever been convicted of a crime or offence in any country?
I've caused offence. I called this one guy a dick. he was pretty offended. I did it with conviction too.

Have you ever committed or been involved in the commission of war crimes, or crimes against humanity or human rights?
Question of semantics. if getting a truckload of prisoners in Kosovo to dig their own grave, then turning a machine gun on them is a war crime, then I'll be the first to put my hands in the air.

Travel Pack (Rucksack)

2005-04-05T12:00:00.000Z

I have at last purchased a Macpac rucsack.

Problems encountered

Seen the bag I wanted in Belfast, wanted to purchase but they didn't have in stock anytime soon, went online discovered that they aren't sold in Eire.

So contacted UK company that don't ship to Eire and not willing to either, after push asked for £50 for p&p ouch.

So used my work contacts and DHL, to get it sent to their offices and forwarded to me, ETA Friday yipeeee

Why Mac Pac ?

I recognized I had a need for a rucsack, began search, found product, product not readily available, product became unattainable so need/want increased, began external search,evaluated choice, chose and await postacquistion evaluation

Which one is it?

Check this - http://www.macpac.co.nz/products/display/catalogue/do,displayitem-view/mid,76/miid,2485/diid,637/

Science club #1 - Rucksack testing

2005-04-02T19:00:00.000Z

Apparatus:
1 brand new rucksack, bought on afternoon of experiment
1/2 bottle of wine, 2 cups of coffee and a small quantity of gin. (to
be ingested in the hours leading up to experimentation)
1 Brother, 20. (preferably bored, full of coffee and study)
1 Brother's girlfriend. (on phone)
1 brother, 11
1 suite of furniture
1 staircase
1 shelf of books

Other considerations:
everyone else in house must be asleep - for best results perform
between 1 & 2 in the morning.

Procedure:
-Return from rucksack purchase / dinner.
-have vague plans of going to bed.
-Find brother still up, talking to girlfriend on phone.
-Wave rucksack at him in excessively gleeful way
- motion to brother to tell girlfriend that rucksack is brilliant.
- Brother should stand back, and say 'that doesn't look so big'
- You should say 'horseshit'
- Brother should shrug, and finish conversation with girlfriend.
- Both of you should then look around room for something to test the
size of bag.

IMPORTANT: For the next step to work, all must be asleep in the house.

- Dismantle couch, and start squishing cushions into rucksack.
- Have brother discover secret latch that trebles the size.
- keep squishing cushions into bag.

Make some tea. (see caffeine procedure #2334)

- Return to find brother triumphantly squishing last cushion into rucksack.
- discover that there is weight in squished cushions.
-Speculate on possibility of fitting smallest brother in bag. (maybe
even bet money)
- Demonstrate 'adjustable torso system' harness to brother.
- Repeatedly point out how 'the weight goes straight to your legs'
- Notice brother's skeptical look
- Wave arm towards brothers leg. He may not, after all, know where his legs are.
- Position brother at bottom of stairs, with bag on his back.
- Stand halfway up stairs, and push down on bag.
- Get brother to do the same.
-Debate on distribution of weight. (glean arguments from half
remembered applied maths classes)
-spot bookshelf
-fill rucksack with books.

NOTE: Do not replace cushions on couch, rather, leave them all over the floor.

-be barely able to lift book filled rucksack.
- have competition with brother on lifting the bag.
- Wake up smallest brother. (he should appear bleary eyed at the top
of the stairs, bewildered as to why his older brothers are loudly
stuffing books into a bag, in the manner of literate burglars.)
-Remember bet.

RESULTS:
smallest brother can fit in rucksack up to his waist.
It's very difficult, nay impossible to carry him like this.

An open letter to the outdoor equipment salesman.

2005-03-31T08:24:00.000Z

Let’s just take it from our initial contact, shall we? It was Dublin, early spring, the first fresh bright day of the year. There was a hint of warmth in the air, a breeze that made one want to pursue outdoor activities, wear breathable waterproofs and shop for luggage.

I was on my lunch break, and had rushed a sandwich at my desk, so as to buy a backpack from you. You, you were leaning casually against the counter in your shop, casually drumming your fingers on a ski boot.

Around you, enough sporting and outdoor goods that no one need ever go indoors again. And was I in luck! A whole wall of your establishment was laden down with backpacks!

I think my first move may have been the wrong one. I let my guard down. I said I didn’t know anything about backpacks. I told you I was going around the world for a year, didn’t envisage a large amount of mountain climbing, or extreme sports, and what was the most appropriate product for me.

You fool! You could have had me at hello! You could have pointed me at the rolls Royce of backpacks, something only Puff Daddy would dream of buying, and say ‘’that’s the one for you. It’s got a spy novel compartment, it makes tea, and it attracts French girls. It costs fifty grand. I’d be sold.

Any story, I would have bought. Any bag, for that matter.

Instead, what did you do? You sighed, and gestured towards the wall of backpacks. And stood there till I, fool that I am, pointed at a hideously inappropriate one. A women’s one. Then you laughed at me. Good joke.

I pointed at another, randomly trying to make you think I’m cool. (I don’t know why)

Then you said, “good choice (at last, the sweet taste of macho validation!) , it has somewhere to stow an Ice Axe”.

I don’t exactly know what an ice axe is, but If I had one, I’m guessing you’d be more polite.

So, now that I've made the bag decision, what do you have in the way of boots?

Andy's to do list for before we go....(5 months)

2005-03-28T10:29:00.000Z

Buy equipment
Specifically modern,synthetic,purpose built equipment. No matter how much I harbour a desire to travel the world in slacks, brown shoes and a cotton shirt, unfortunately, I don't live in 1800s England, and will not have a team of servants following me. Best go for stuff that makes me feel like a member of the SAS, except without, y'know, the training, or fitness, or blood lust.

Buy Books
Between you and me, Internet, We both know I'm going to spend all the time I set out to buy equipment buying books. Not even books I'm going to bring, just books about guys called Yevgeni, and trainyards.

Rationalise excessive cold war spy novel purchase with thoughts of 'Research'
Because I am going to have to read up on the places we're going, otherwise they're not going to be as much fun at all...

Fret about various contingencies
What if one of us gets sick, what if someone at home gets sick, what if we run out of money, what if our stuff gets stolen, what if our money gets stolen, what if that vague headache is the first sign of a brain tumour...

Daydream about implausible contingencies
So, when we're fighting the russian mafia, having played the columbian cartels off each other, saved that orphanage in Cambodia, landed that 707 in the jungle...

Research the route.
Mostly, do a google image search for the places. See if the women are pretty. Try and remember any films set there, if Scarlett Johanssen was in any of those films. Daydream for a while about Scarlett Johanssen.

Find that Australian Girl's email address
Man, she was totally hot.

St Patrick's day...

2005-03-21T17:18:00.000Z

2005 - Central hotel, George's St. Dublin
2006 - ?

Paris

2005-03-09T14:33:00.000Z

I lived in Paris for 3 years when I was tiny. I'm really looking forward to going back there. I've only been back once since, but I still remember it vividly.

I'm saying this because on the way through town this morning, i caught a smell of oil and airconditioning, and I had a flashback to being on the metro.

in other news, i must daydream less when I'm meant to be doing my thesis.

Music

2005-02-24T09:26:00.000Z

So what music are people planning on listening to?/listening to during daydreams about getting the train out of Irktusk?

2005-02-23T12:55:00.000Z

Oneworld Alliance

Europe

2005-02-10T14:30:00.000Z

Paris, Amsterdam, Prague, Krackow, Budapest, Baltic States, somewhere in Switzerland, Berlin, Geneva, Vienna, Odessa, Hamburg, Riga, Warsaw, Auschwitz, Venice, London , Copenhagen.

All of these have songs/Films, I'll bet

Wonderful, Wonderful Copanhagen
Last Tango in Paris
The Odessa File

anyone else?

the Obelisk between europe and asia.

2005-02-08T13:10:00.000Z

I dunno. it looks kinda cruddy...

Ekaterinburg

2005-02-08T11:07:00.000Z

Been doing some quick reading about this place. They seem to do a roaring trade in mail order brides. Also, Russia's 2nd biggest city. so there. :)

Nothing about the milestone though. The whole place just seems a bit odd.

2005-02-08T09:49:00.000Z

Map of Train Journey nearly 10,000KM

Here's Laura

2005-02-07T10:29:00.000Z

I'm Laura, 23, Journalism graduate (not so you'd know it), and also from Longford. This morning I jogged for 50 minutes - can I have a round of applause please?!

We definitely got one question right...

2005-02-06T15:38:00.000Z

Introducting Sammy

2005-02-06T15:00:00.000Z

there's me too, Sammy from Longford,so cool i'm ice cold. I am in charge of community relations on the trip!!!

We're off in september

2005-02-06T14:39:00.000Z

Ok, so there's me. I'm Andy, I'm 22, I study digital media stuff & work at a dull job.